The Blonde Lottery

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  #1  
Old 01-14-2010, 08:05 AM
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The Blonde Lottery

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
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Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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Testify in Court
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
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The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
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  #2  
Old 01-14-2010, 08:06 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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The Guy's rules

The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules " From the female side.Now h ere are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! - Men ARE not mind readers.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
- Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
- Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
- If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
- You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
- ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
- If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
- Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Old 01-14-2010, 08:39 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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These are great!!!
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Old 01-14-2010, 08:42 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Old 01-14-2010, 08:44 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Laugh at the Pregnant Lady

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.
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Old 01-14-2010, 08:44 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Snow Parking

Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.
"There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.
Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.
"There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the...." The power went off.
He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now?"
Martha said, "Just leave the car in the garage."
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Old 01-14-2010, 08:58 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Australia For Overseas Travellers

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website.

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A. We import all plants fully grown and then sit around watching them die.
Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A. Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the rail road tracks? (Sweden) A. Sure. It's only three thousand miles so take lots of water.
Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q. Which direction is north in Australia? (USA) A. Face south and turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the instructions.
Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A. A-U-S-T-R-I-A is the quaint little country bordering G-E-R-M-A-N-Y, which is...oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A. Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A. Only at Christmas.
Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A. No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake venom. (USA) A. Rattlesnakes live in A-M-E-R-I-C-A, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Old 01-14-2010, 09:03 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Good excuse

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on highway 2 for a nice evening drive. the top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 140Km/h he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, "he thought to himself and opened her up further. the needle hit 150,160...
Then the reality of the situation hit him. " what in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him took his license without a word and examined it and the car." It's been a long day,"said the cop "this is the end of the shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like doing anymore paper work, so if can give me an excuse for your driving that i haven't heard before, you can go."
They guy thinks for a second and says," last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Old 01-15-2010, 06:58 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
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Old 01-15-2010, 07:03 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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LOL thanks for sharing lynda!
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Old 01-15-2010, 07:06 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Wacky Sayings

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

Save water. Shower with a friend.

Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Children in backseats cause accidents and Accidents in backseats cause children

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So why bother to learn.
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Old 01-15-2010, 07:16 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Blonde Locked Out

A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.
A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As he approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."
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Old 01-15-2010, 07:21 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Ray and Bubba

Ray & Bubba ( mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
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Old 01-15-2010, 07:39 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
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Old 01-15-2010, 07:41 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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I have been laughing so hard!! thanks so much for all the good laughs
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Old 01-15-2010, 07:45 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Write It Down!

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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Old 01-15-2010, 07:49 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Old 01-15-2010, 07:50 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Can You Give Me Push?!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time!" He thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three." Says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. His wife says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
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Old 01-15-2010, 08:06 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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TV Remote

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
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Old 01-15-2010, 08:29 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says (as only a mother would know)..........

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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  #21  
Old 01-15-2010, 08:34 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Taxi Driver

During a ride in a taxi, the rider touches the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch the cab driver flinches, screams, and goes into a full panic, swerving from side to side on the road.
Finally the driver regains control.
"sorry" the cab driver says, "this is my first day on the job. for the past 20 years i have been driving a hearse."
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Old 01-15-2010, 08:36 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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The druggist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, The druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had tobreak a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on thesepeople, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, And they spilled all over the floor. I had to get Down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open Cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles onit. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use A rectal thermometer.

And believe me sir, as God is my witness, All I did was tell her.
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  #23  
Old 01-15-2010, 08:58 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
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Old 01-15-2010, 09:03 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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Omgosh!! Lol
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Old 01-15-2010, 09:08 AM

RE: The Blonde Lottery

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A newly wed couple went on their honey moon to the Grand Canyon. They took the horse ride down one of the steep trails.

The husbands horse was unsteady and stumbled several times, before they started on the trail. The husband bent over and told the horse, "You have three chances".

The wife heard what he had said. The husbands horse stumbled after a few minutes on the steap trail. "That's one" the husband said. After 30 minutes the horse stumbled again, "that's two" said the husband.

The wife riding behind him was trying to be helpful and tell the husband what to do to control the horse. When the horse stumbled the third time, he took out a gun and shot it.

The wife started yelling, "Why did you do that, now what are we gonna do now?" When the husband jumped on her horse with her, turned back and said, "That's one".
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