Do Your Relatives Treat Your Adopted Child....

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Old 07-15-2008, 08:34 AM
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Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

differently than the children in that were born into the family??

I don't think my MIL means to, but she does. With my neice from China and Lanah. She makes comments like, "The real grandchildren" etc. She gives them the same amount for birthdays, etc. but its just her comments that get to me. On other thing she did for the "real" grandchildren is every week for their first year she video taped them for 10-15 minutes to watch their progress, etc. With Lanah who was exactly 4 months and Mae she didn't do this because she couldn't do it from the time they were born.

My husband thinks she doesn't realize its offensive and that she doesn't mean anything by it, when she says "real" but I don't want Lanah to pick up on it when she gets bigger. Ironically my husbands bio. dad (deceased) was adopted from Greece and even more ironic, her current husband seems to be better with the "non-real" grandkids, .
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  #2  
Old 07-15-2008, 08:43 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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That is sad that she does that. I can't imagine when they get older that she would stop unless something is said to her now. Habits are really hard to break and I think I would have to say something to her in a manner that is nice, but also firm that your children are real grandkids as well. I am sure that she isn't meaning anything by it and not thinking of the consequences that it may have in the future.

I have 3 children (all from different dads, I was a bad girl at some point in my life) anyways my DD 12 lives with her dad and my DS 8 has no clue about his real dad and would love to keep it that way and 3rd child 18 month with DH. My DH family treats them all the same if anything my middle child gets a lot of love and more attention. I believe that my DH family just really took to him and knows that he needs a lot of love as he was without a dad for 2 years and they just took him in. My baby obviously gets attention, but as he gets older I do not think that anything will change with my other children. They are considered "real" grandkids by DH family.

I hope that your MIL will stop doing that as it really can become a bad situation.

Sorry for the rant and long post.
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Old 07-15-2008, 08:49 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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I have two cousins that were adopted into the family from korea. Everyone loves them the same...they're just part of the family. But when my grandmother was alive, she treated them differently. I don't think she treated them differently because they were adopted though. Sad to say, I think she treated them differently because they were Korean. I have another cousin who was adopted into the family when my uncle married a woman who had a daughter from a prior relationship. She treated that little girl better than she treated her other grandchildren. Perhaps it was because my uncle was her favorite child (out of 6 kids). Who knows. I don't think my grandmother realized that her comments were offensive either...regardless of how many times EVERYONE told her they were. Heck, I was 12 at the time and I used to tell her that her comments were "very mean". What do you do with something like that?
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Old 07-15-2008, 08:59 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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It's sad but it happens with Step Children as well. My MIL married into a family that already had 3 children, and she brought DH with. DH was 15 when he moved in, and the other children were 17, 11, and 5. We aren't treated as family when we go to my Step FIL's mother's house. Since this is where we have Thanksgiving, and Christmas, this is somewhat unavoidable.

Although my Step FIL tries, my DH just isn't treated the same. His real son as access to 3 cars to take to work and not put gas in, he borrows FIL's things such as riding mower's and tools, and he lives on FIL's land free of charge.

I think it bothers me much more than it bothers DH. I just know my son won't be treated as well as the "real grandchildren" and that hurts me.
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Old 07-15-2008, 09:00 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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Oh and another funny thing is my Step FIL adopted his youngest child since his ex-wife cheated on him and got pregnant by the other man.
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Old 07-15-2008, 09:15 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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My husband has spoken to his mother about it and she turns the conversation around and says he is just trying to hurt her feelings and where did she go wrong, etc.

My two oldest children are biologically my husbands and although legally I'm step-mom, they consider me their real mom and their bio. mom is called Mother. We have custody. People are always in shock if they find out they aren't "mine" but to all of us they are MINE! MIL used to say she was thankful DH married someone who would take his children as their own and I don't think it should be any different with Lanah and Mae. She should treat them as her own.

I think because her DH's mom had 6 or 7 different husbands and kids with each, then took in the men's kids when they came that is why FIL is so good with the kids. I think he honestly feels bad that MIL does feel differently about them.

When it was just the boys and Mae, I think Mae was treated equally. MIL didn't think she would ever have other grandkids then, but Mae's parents have a miracle baby and BIL and his wife who weren't able to have kids had a daughter. Lanah came before both of those children but MIL never really seemed to take to her. Lily was born a few months after we got her.

Sorry for the vent, but she just called to say she has Lanah's b'day gift which is a sore subject. She bought the other two sets grandchildren the nice individual trampolines with the handle for Christmas and told my son that our house wasn't as nice (not big, mind you, nice) as theirs so she didn't feel like they needed it. To make up for it she went and bought a $14 dollar mini-tramp at Aldi that broke the same day (and it was for adults) but told Lanah it was her birthday present and preceded to tell the two year old she wouldn't be getting a present for her birthday, which was Friday.So, I'm curious to find out why she decided to buy her a gift.

Sorry....I'm just in a mood!
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Old 07-15-2008, 09:27 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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Wow yeah I can understand. Kinda weird how she is so thankful you take care of her biological grandchildren, but she doesn't treat the children who aren't biological the same. Kinda 2 faced if you ask me.

If you ever need to vent, I am here. I know all about this subject and have been in tears over it many times.
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Old 07-15-2008, 12:25 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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I have a similar issue with my MIL. My dh has a daughter from a previous relationship who has lived with us for all but three years of her life so far, and my MIL treats her horrendously!. To me she is not my step-daughter, she is my daughter, and my MIL who is related to her biologically says and does the cruelest things. She once said in front of my dd that she wouldn't care if she never saw her again. I blew up and told her where she could shove it, I was so mad. My parents treat her the same as my ds and they also treat my brother's step-sons like all of the other kids as well. I just think it is so sad and now that my dd is almost 13 I think she is almost so used to it that she doen't notice it so much anymore, but I notice every infraction and have had it out with MIL more then once. It breaks my heart. Even sadder is my ds is treated poorly too, just not as bad. I will not leave either of the kids with her alone.
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Old 07-15-2008, 12:36 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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DZ, so sorry to hear this. I think the only thing you can do, is not to make a big deal of it, and be there to show your daughter that you love her and comfort her when and if she does pick up on it. If that is the way your MIL is, you aren't going to change her.
I was actually worried about my parents being like this with our kiddo-s since my dad is extremely racist, and our children are bi-racial, buy my parents are awesome, especially my dad. He is absolutely adorable with the 2yo (I think the 13 mo is a little young for grandpa bonding yet).
Unfortunately MIL is aweful. There aren't any other grandchildren on that side, so I can't compare it, but I do know that she didn't acknowledge me on Mother's day, it was all about her. This is kinda her nature though. FIL is awesome, he was talking to the 2yo on the phone last night.... and they live in town and he works with DH a lot so we do see him more often.
I guess this doesn't really answer your question, but honestly MIL doesn't like me, so I really didn't expect her to like my kids regardless.
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Old 07-15-2008, 12:41 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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Ahh brings a not so funny story to mind. My grandmother D was at my Grandpa H's funeral when she started a converstion with my Grandma H about how she couldn't stand us children and that we weren't really her son's children anyways, all three of us were adopted. We were castaways. Now mind you my Grandma H worked in the pentagon in the 1940's, she only had one arm due to the umbical wraped around it a birth, and was just over 5 feet. Man did she let her have it! She sputed off that I wrote her the most beautiful letters every week, that my brother made Eagle Scout with all three palms, that we were both Honor students, that my little sister was just a little darling, and did she want to take this outside Well, My Grandmother D turns to me and said, "You never write me letters." To which my 16 old smart *** mouth responded with "I only write to my real grandmother"
I will let you know that that my grandmother D shut her mouth and walked off. I then in turn was disciplined by my Grandma H for having a smart mouth. Punishment as I remember wasn't so bad, she made me eat a bowl of icecream!

Us Adopted kids are a tough breed I tell you. we know how to let the comments roll off, and when to put our foot down. As my Grandma H always said "God put everychild on earth to be loved." I never doubted it. The people who really matter did love me, real, fake, blood, adopted or whatever else.
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Old 07-15-2008, 12:43 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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My daughter and Son in law adopted a little boy 20 months ago... We love him and he is just like all of out Grandchildren. We are so blessed God sent us him along with all of our grandchildren.

The problem lies in my son in laws family.. Austin is 1/2 cauc and 1/2 hispanic and they treat him badly. They constantly make a reference to the fact that he is "adopted" and they are constantly getting on to him... IT makes my blood boil.I wish that they could open there cold old mean hearts and love him He is truly a sweet and special boy...

I am sorry that you are having to go through such an ordeal.. I for the life of me dont understand how "some peoples capacity to love is so limited....

I will be praying for you..
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Old 07-15-2008, 01:03 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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I can speak to this as an adopted child and a stepchild. My maternal grandmother never said anything (at least that I remember hearing) but her actions spoke louder and showed her true feelings up until she died. My brother is my adoptive parents biological son. He is 5 months younger then me. The first baby they had died a few hours after birth so they weren't sure they could have children so they started the adoption process. My adoptive mother was pregnant with my brother when they found out about me and when I was born. They weren't sure if the baby would live so they continued with the adoption. To this day I wonder if they knew that they would have a healthy child if they ever would have went through with the adoption. I don't know for sure, so I try not to think about it too much anymore but it weighed heavy on me as a teenager. I am sure some adopted kids never have any problems dealing with it. Maybe it was my parents who divorced when I was 12 or maybe it is in my genes but I struggled a long time with all kinds of issues.

Now I also have a stepmother. Her whole family treats my brother and I as if we were always members of their family. My paternal grandparents also went above and beyond in that respect too.

There is something I have learned by being adopted. While it wasn't always perfect or hunky dory, LOVE IS MUCH THICKER THEN BLOOD. If the love is there that is all that matters.
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Old 07-15-2008, 02:38 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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Adopting our son ... I was bound and determined that NO ONE would treat my son any different and then came our biological son..(Yup... adopt I swear it helps you get pregnant...LOL) I still stand my grounds on this ... if I feel that anyone is treating my adoptive son any different than my biological son.. I stand up and say something...If they cant treat them both the same then they dont need to see or know them at all. My husband is adopted also and I still see the different in how he is treated to compared to his biological sibling... and I wont let that happen to our sons. I have one son born from the heart and one son born from my belly ... but both are equally loved in every way shape and form....Even my son biological family (open adoption) treat our other son with the same care and respect they have for our adoptive son.
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Old 07-15-2008, 02:42 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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Thanks for all the stories, support, prayers and such....

I think I just get too sensitive sometimes! But apparently others go through it too.

Ya'll rock
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Old 08-18-2008, 12:00 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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I have two sons. The older one WAS adopted (from Guatemala) and the other shares my genes. The older one is probably secretly everybody's favorite because he's a good kid--sweet and helpful, bright and funny--despite being spoiled as heck (As of October he will have spent 25 days at Disney World in 2008; we live in Michigan.) But, I don't tolerate any outward signs of favoritism.

I have made a habit of educating people when they use inappropriate language, like "real mother" or "IS adopted" (as if it's a status like "divorced"), or "adopted /adoptive son" (he WAS adopted; now he's just our son, no prefix or adjectives needed), Hispanic, etc." I'm such a stickler because
people's language conveys their subconscious opinions and prejudices (and occasionally just plain ignorance).

I also don't allow for pity--he's not a "poor thing" because he's neither poor nor a thing. I don't tolerate anyone treating my son as less advantaged than anyone else, and anyone who is a "Real Mother" won't tolerate people hurting her child.

My oldest son is the one who made me a Mother. The first little person to be completely dependent on me, to call me Mama, to bond to my heart in that first magical moment that we saw each other. Just because that moment didn't happen in some stinky hospital delivery room doesn't make it less special. I don't consider myself genetically superior to anyone, so why would I care if my child shares my genes--We share 97% of our genes with Chimps!! Anything above that is splitting hairs.

Don't let anyone hurt your kids by EVER making them feel that their life isn't as "REAL" as everyone elses.
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Old 08-18-2008, 12:00 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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I have two sons. The older one WAS adopted (from Guatemala) and the other shares my genes. The older one is probably secretly everybody's favorite because he's a good kid--sweet and helpful, bright and funny--despite being spoiled as heck (As of October he will have spent 25 days at Disney World in 2008; we live in Michigan.) But, I don't tolerate any outward signs of favoritism.

I have made a habit of educating people when they use inappropriate language, like "real mother" or "IS adopted" (as if it's a status like "divorced"), or "adopted /adoptive son" (he WAS adopted; now he's just our son, no prefix or adjectives needed), Hispanic, etc." I'm such a stickler because
people's language conveys their subconscious opinions and prejudices (and occasionally just plain ignorance).

I also don't allow for pity--he's not a "poor thing" because he's neither poor nor a thing. I don't tolerate anyone treating my son as less advantaged than anyone else, and anyone who is a "Real Mother" won't tolerate people hurting her child.

My oldest son is the one who made me a Mother. The first little person to be completely dependent on me, to call me Mama, to bond to my heart in that first magical moment that we saw each other. Just because that moment didn't happen in some stinky hospital delivery room doesn't make it less special. I don't consider myself genetically superior to anyone, so why would I care if my child shares my genes--We share 97% of our genes with Chimps!! Anything above that is splitting hairs.

Don't let anyone hurt your kids by EVER making them feel that their life isn't as "REAL" as everyone else's.
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Old 09-07-2008, 01:16 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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My cousin adopted a baby who's mother gave birth to him while in jail. And that little boy is loved and spoiled by everyone in the family just the same as his cousin who is about the same age. Most of the time we forget that he was adopted.
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Old 09-29-2008, 09:56 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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We are in the process of adopting our first child!!! Got married late in life and then found out we couldn't have children But we have one parent one each side of our families that don't think anything of it. The other 2 don't spend much time with him and they live within 1 hour driving to see him. The only time they do see him is when we go to them. One of the grandparents live 3hrs away & she see him more than the grandmother that lives 20mins away... It is just too bad that they can't love them all the same But he has 2 parents that love him very very much & other people around him as well... It is really hard on the DH since his mother is the one that never comes & see the child.
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:51 AM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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Unfortunately, even bio kids get treated differently by parents/relatives. I am a bio child, and my bio half brother is the favored one between the two of us. My mom favors him over me. (so much so that everyone in our family notices it) I also have 2 adopted children & 2 bio children. Same thing... my adopted children are not treated the same by her. I've decided not to waste my energy fretting over it anymore. It's not worth it!
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Old 10-01-2008, 08:40 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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Yeah, I am sure the people who pick on kids b/c of adoptions will find something to pick on ANYWAY even if they were not adopted. People who are crass enough to favor a bio. child over an adopted child would probably not like the child b/c they were too fat or too ugly or not as smart as so-and-so or something even more ridiculous. My youngest gets a lot of preferential treatment from some of my husband's family BECAUSE he has red hair. Red headed step child does not apply. I had a sweet (otherwise) uncle of my DH tell me he hoped I did not mind that he preferred my "redheaded child." It is the silliest thing I have ever heard. It has nothing to do with his personality or abilities...but hair color. Messed up.
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Old 10-01-2008, 09:15 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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Sorry to hear this but I know how you feel. One day my FIL asked where his grandson was. My DH Aunt pointed to my oldest DS (he is not my DH child). FIL said no not him my REAL grandson. I was speechless and didn't say anything. The bad thing about it was my DS heard the whole thing. Everyone else treats my oldest like he should be treated. Sometimes I just think it is their age. I just try to ignore them. I do complain to my DH about them but Thank God they live in Texas (Far Away)
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Old 10-01-2008, 09:45 PM

RE: Do your relatives treat your adopted child....

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None of my family is adopted, so I'm not sure if this belongs in your thread.

My grandmother got mean in her old age. I think she was just beyond the age of caring what anyone thinks, and too tired to pay attention. I used to scold her, "just because you're old doesn't mean you can say anything you want! If you say one more mean thing about my sister, I'm leaving! etc." I don't know if it helped to scold her, but I felt better.
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