Parental Observations

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Old 06-10-2005, 09:42 AM
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Parental Observations

HH...here you go...you are not alone

Parental Observations
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

For adult education, nothing beats children.

God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.

God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Having children will turn you into your parents.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it

Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

The best thing to spend on your children is time.
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  #2  
Old 06-10-2005, 09:42 AM

RE: Parental Observations

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The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again.

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
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Old 06-10-2005, 09:42 AM

RE: Parental Observations

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Preparation for Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are some simple steps for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Forget the Miata and buy a mini van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a twelve-month old baby.

Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Rugrats. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work you finally qualify as a parent.
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Old 06-10-2005, 09:43 AM

RE: Parental Observations

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You Know You're a Parent When...
You and your spouse say, "I have to go potty" when it's only you two in the room.

You sing kids' songs in the shower.

You realize you don't have a life of your own.

You don't mind changing a messy diaper.

You have five kids in the car and only two are yours.

You reach into your briefcase for your business cards and a Ninja Turtle falls out.

You start wiping the crumbs off your husbands beard while he's eating.

Eye contact seems like a gift from heaven.

Your best shoes are six years old but you know you have spent hundreds of dollars in a shoe store in the past six months.

You actually read the names of the candidates on the ballot for the local board of education.

You know who Angelica, Tommie, Chuckie, Phil and Lil are.

You're at the park and you hear the name DAD called and you turn and say, "What?" And then realize it's not your kid.

The sound of silence is a sign that your lovable darling is up to something.

You know all the songs on Sesame Street by heart.

You dress according to the color of the food that you will be serving.

You start to sound like your mother (or father).

Your children's wardrobe is much nicer than yours and you're OK with it.

You think going to work is a vacation.

Your idea of going out to dinner is pizza and overgrown rodents running around the restaurant.

The words "You'll have kids someday, and I hope they act just like you!" come back to haunt you.

You don't avoid your friends that have kids.

The inside of your car looks like the inside of Toys R' Us.

You start doing things the way your mother did.

You understand what if feels like to truly love someone from the bottom of your heart.

(Special thanks to the Parenting Exchange website for this material)
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Old 06-10-2005, 09:43 AM

RE: Parental Observations

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Things My Kids have Taught Me
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (in retrospect).
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