Am I In The Wrong?

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Old 01-20-2012, 07:33 AM
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Am I in the wrong?

Yesterday going to dd12 bball game dd11 tells us dd12 was crying her eyes out at school during a dance. On the way home we question dd12 why she was crying. She wouldn't say. After we got home she told the wife, but wouldn't tell me. I took away her texting rights, if she won't talk to me, she won't talk to anyone, and I texted her friends to find out what was up (if someone needs a whuppin for making her cry or doing something to her, I will).

She was crying on the stairs, and then came in the living room crying about how mean I am, and she has a private life (not in my opinion) and sometimes she thinks about offing herself because she has to deal with crap at school, and then come home and deal with crap. Am I a meanie?
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  #2  
Old 01-20-2012, 07:37 AM

RE: Am I in the wrong?

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She is prob embarrassed and crying over a boy and it's private or extremely embarrassing for her to tell you. Maybe she started her period and didn't want to discuss it with you. Kuddos for loving your dd and for being such a great dad. Just don't try and understand female hormones--it's one of the great mysteries of the universe.
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Old 01-20-2012, 07:38 AM

RE: Am I in the wrong?

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You have the right idea..... You just went about it in the wrong way.
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Old 01-20-2012, 07:43 AM

RE: Am I in the wrong?

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I understand how you feel, but think you may need to lighten up a little. Sometimes it's really hard for a girl to share certain things with her dad, no matter how much she loves him. I think that as long as she told your wife, she should not be forced to tell you or punished because she won't. That just seems harsh and counterproductive to me.

You sound like a great dad, wanting to put the beat down on anyone who hurts her but maybe that's why she doesn't want to tell you; she may be afraid of suffering the embarrassment of a meddling parent. I know you mean well and I'll bet she will come to you when she truly needs that kind of help.
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Old 01-20-2012, 07:47 AM

RE: Am I in the wrong?

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I hope this comes out the best way as possible, I think you were a little over the top. Now let me explain. Some kids feel safer or more comfortable with a certain parent. Sometimes one parent can be easier to approach. My dad was not very easy to approach so I would sometimes tell my mom first and then talk to my dad later. BE HAPPY THAT SHE WILL TALK TO ONE OF YOU!!!! As you see in a marriage, each spouse has different strengths and weaknesses, same goes for child rearing. Let your wife be a sounding board and let her deal with what she can and then maybe she can say, "hey let's talk to dad and see what he has to say". Maybe it was a female type issue and your daughter was a littler embarrassed. There are alot of kids that won't talk to either parent, be happy she talked to your wife.

Here's something else to think about. As an adult I find it hard to talk to my DH/mom/sis UNTIL I've had time to process what I'm thinking/feeling. She may have needed a little time to come to grips and be able to explain her issues without breaking down.

Your daughter is at a very vulnerable age and your ultimatum of her not talking to you means she can't talk to anyone is only going to create greater rifts between you and possibly in the family. She is growing up and needs some space and that may mean just enough time to calm down and feel READY to talk. And remember you have NEVER been in her shoes because she is a girl and will think and process things differently. Also she may feel more comfortable talking to your DW because she may just listen where in you want to jump in an fix, i.e. contacting her friends. I always got worried that my dad would fly off the handle and attack someone, which he did verbally and I don't know that it necessarily fixed anything. Listening is good too.

Now that said, you are commended for being the protective dad - but there is such a thing as overprotective. At her age, I'm guessing the waterworks were from hurt feelings, other kids her age can be cruel. But they will usually bounce back, no need to add insult to injury. Oh and maybe lay off her friends, you don't want to be that dad. Hope that helps, I know it's not easy raising girls, I know your first instinct is to fix and protect, but that may be the last thing she wants/needs.
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Old 01-20-2012, 08:43 AM

RE: Am I in the wrong?

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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightshopper View Post
Yesterday going to dd12 bball game dd11 tells us dd12 was crying her eyes out at school during a dance. On the way home we question dd12 why she was crying. She wouldn't say. After we got home she told the wife, but wouldn't tell me. I took away her texting rights, if she won't talk to me, she won't talk to anyone, and I texted her friends to find out what was up (if someone needs a whuppin for making her cry or doing something to her, I will).

She was crying on the stairs, and then came in the living room crying about how mean I am, and she has a private life (not in my opinion) and sometimes she thinks about offing herself because she has to deal with crap at school, and then come home and deal with crap. Am I a meanie?
Naw, you mean well, and have her best interests at heart, but IMO went about it the wrong way.
Whatever it is, she confided in her mom, that should be good enough, and besides there's no reason why your wife shouldn't be able to (judiciously and out of ear-shot) give you the over-all jist of the problem without necessarily dispensing details.
Sounds like either bullying or "love" troubles, and sorry but texting her friends, probably compounded her problem.
I know you're dad and love her and she's family and all, but remember she's got to spend 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, 9 months of the year with her school-mates and they affect her too.
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Old 01-20-2012, 08:45 AM

RE: Am I in the wrong?

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Quote:
Originally Posted by hotmama111 View Post
She is prob embarrassed and crying over a boy and it's private or extremely embarrassing for her to tell you. Maybe she started her period and didn't want to discuss it with you. Kuddos for loving your dd and for being such a great dad. Just don't try and understand female hormones--it's one of the great mysteries of the universe.
You're right, I didn't even think about the whole period thing. that could be uber-embarrasing, esp. if it happened at the dance.
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Old 01-20-2012, 08:48 AM

RE: Am I in the wrong?

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I agree with Polydoly13. another thing to consider is that there is (in my experience with 2 grown daughters) NOTHING in the world that is crueler then a prepubescent female! Girls between the ages of 10 & 13 are harsh beyond measure with other girls their own age. They are very aware of their changing bodies & usually quite embarrassed by perceived differences between them & their friends. One girl who progresses faster or slower than the others can easily become the target for taunts and "mean girl" type jokes from the others. This is probably not something that most girls would want to share with her Dad. No matter how easy you are to talk to, most girls at that age would not feel comfortable telling her Dad that she was being picked on because her puberty was more progressed, or less progressed than her peers at school.
If it wasn't about that, it was probably about a boy & unless he did her physical harm, that's another topic that she won't want to share with you until she's a little older. Remember, at 12 she is still a child in many ways & the fact that she is beginning to look at boys differently is confusing to her.

And this is gonna hurt, Dad, but.... This is the age where privacy issues begin. You don't need to grant her the same privacy privileges that you will give her as an adult, but the foundation for those privileges begins now.

Good luck & remember these wise words from a friend of mine when my oldest was a teen. The teen years are the years that God gives every parent so that when it is time for your child to leave home, you are ready to let them go.
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Old 01-20-2012, 08:52 AM

RE: Am I in the wrong?

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I agree with other posters you were doing your best and it's great that you care so much , but some things a girl can not talk about with their dad. I actually had to talk to my dad about starting my period because I was staying at his house for the weekend in another state. I will remember it as one of the most embarrassing moments of my child hood because at that age periods are just embarrassing nothing more. and texting her friends could get her picked on and harassed at school and that is never good for a child. It also could make her friends not want to talk to her for fear that she doesn't keep their secrets they may send her in texts. (we used to tell secrets , but these days everything is in a text). I am sure if it was serious your wife will tell you.
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