[tomsnukie]

It is very common for two parents to have different parenting styles. What do you so when you do not agree with the parenting style of your spouse? I am forgiving am ok with the kids making a few mistakes from time to time, my husband is not. I feel very uncomfortable about how harsh my husband is with the girls, talking down, turning every mistake into a 10-20 minute harsh lecture or “the belt”. I find it very uncomfortable to witness, but at the same time I don’t want to step on his toes and diminish his parental authority. He feel VERY strongly that this stricter parenting is the way to go, to the point that he freely expresses to family, friends, teacher, doctors, and the children that I am a “soft” parent. He grew up this way, with his parents telling him how wrong or dumb he is all the time so it is a challenge to talk to him about him without it turning into an argument: “I’m always the problem” “Your always pointing out what I do wrong” or “oh why can’t we all be perfect like you”. I try to be sensitive to his issues without shining a critical light on them. Has anyone had an issue like this? Any advice?

[Runningincirclesx3]

no advice cause i can relate to you, my DH is the same way and if i try and bring it up or tell him what has been working he will always get po'ed and try and turn it around on me..it sucks

[liltexan]

I am soft too and I don't just hear it from my DH which is not my kids dad but from my parents too My kids now are 21 and 16 and I really think they are pretty darn good kids. No drugs, no dropping out of school etc. It's difficult but reading your post the thing that really stuck out was the word dumb...ouch that can be very hurtful ...more so than a spanking. Could you explain to dh how certain words a kid will que in on and maybe choose a different word ? I don't know my parenting is very unconventional I never told my kids "because I said so" I always explained why. I also gave them unconventional reaction to thier misbehavior and they hated it haha. Don't pick up your shoes you will find them in the cold garage, leave trash laying around my house you will find it in your bed, etc I just make it as big of a pain to them as they make it for me when they don't obey my rules. Don't do your chores I don't do your laundry. It's very effective for my kids even when they were younger but I never ever liked whipping my kids I feel there are other methods. We laugh about it now (tho for the 16 yr old I still hold the laundry against him for his chores he's very vain so it makes him wear the clothes that he doesn't think he looks his best in) but my dd says she was so flusterated with me and I reply yup know exactly how you feel. Any way something like this work for your DH? Or am I totally off base? Maybe you could just suggest alternative punishment as he's dictating it or could you ask him for ya'll to talk about it and compromise on a punishment? sounds like choose your words carefully though so that it doesn't put him in a defensive mode. Good Luck

[mickie333]

I was reading and understanding until I got to "the belt" and "talking down".. These 2 would be a HUGE problem for me. I am hoping "the belt" was some form of expression and not really meaning your children are being hit with a belt and you are allowing it. There is never a need for physical punishment or talking down to someone. Sorry if I sound harsh but if this is truly what is happening in your home then it is your duty as a mother to put a stop to this. Although your husband may have been raised this way, it certainly doesnt make it right and it is against the law. Maybe he needs to break the chain of history, patterns and violence that he may have grown up with. I was raised in a horrible environment and would never impose that on my children, or anyone elses- and it would be over my dead body that someone else would be allowed to do it. Good luck....

[mommyslh]

be careful to criticize him. you would be better to find a way to make them behave yourself so they don't get in trouble. reward good behavior and find them stuff to do. i let my girls play games on my laptop keeps them busy. if you tell a child they are dumb then they will be dumb. i wouldn't allow the belt though.

[ItalianPrincess1984]

If you are uncomfortable with what he is doing, you need to sit down and have a talk with him. Something we did was have a family meeting and go over all the rules and the consequences with the kids. They even had some really good input that we hadn't thought of. We posted the rules and consequences on a poster in the dining room so now everyone knows what the punishment will be for whatever rule they break (for the most part). It also keeps both of us consistent with what the other does. We do occasionally spank, but no one would ever dare high my children with a belt or any other inanimate object unless they planned on me beating the living tar out of them with the same object. And even still, spankings are reserved for major infractions. It took us a lot to get to this point, so you and hubby will have to work on it but you can do it :-) I am also a psychotic list queen (LOL) so my kids know exactly what is expected of them, what their chores are, shower schedule, everything every day. It helps them to know that this is what needs to be done and this way I don't have to nag at them to get their stuff done.

[Cass3927]

There is a difference between being a "soft" parent and not being cruel. Of course children need discipline, punishments, and lectures. They do not need to be hit with a belt. If you are uncomfortable, I'm sure there is good reason. If you don't mind my asking...how does he treat you? Does he ever yell at you or hit you? You say that he grew up with his parents telling him how dumb and wrong he is all the time. Unfortunately behavior like this becomes a vicious cycle. Do you want your kids to grow up and treat your grandchildren this way? Do you want them to feel worthless and have no self esteem? No child should EVER be called dumb or made to feel like they aren't good enough. Please believe me when I tell you, making your child feel that way will have lifelong effects. It sounds like your husband should really sit down and work on his own issues rather than pass them on to your children. Next time he's behaving this way I think you should consider asking him "how did you feel when your dad called you dumb when you were a child?" Perhaps it'll remind him how unpleasant it is.

[GwenythOwensMama]

Originally Posted by mickie333

I was reading and understanding until I got to "the belt" and "talking down".. These 2 would be a HUGE problem for me. I am hoping "the belt" was some form of expression and not really meaning your children are being hit with a belt and you are allowing it. There is never a need for physical punishment or talking down to someone. Sorry if I sound harsh but if this is truly what is happening in your home then it is your duty as a mother to put a stop to this. Although your husband may have been raised this way, it certainly doesnt make it right and it is against the law. Maybe he needs to break the chain of history, patterns and violence that he may have grown up with. I was raised in a horrible environment and would never impose that on my children, or anyone elses- and it would be over my dead body that someone else would be allowed to do it. Good luck....

I agree with this!!

My father in law was VERY strict with his first 2 children. 8 years later, he finally mellowed out and was better with his 3rd child (my DH). There is a HUGE difference in my DH and his brother and sister. His brother has had a horrible life, struggled with self esteem, gone through 3 divorces. His sister has horrible depression and bipolar issues. My DH has a little OCD, and some type A personality issues, but is much more stable mentally.

My parents (mostly Dad) spanked me with a belt. I have zero relationship with my Father, though he was always a good provider. I struggle with self esteem daily, my place in life, etc.

Fortunately DH and I have made the conscious choice to never talk down to our kids, spank them, etc. Yes we get very frustrated at times, but we work to solve it in other ways.

[tomsnukie]

Thanks for the comments, its nice to feel like others have the same issue. I have talked with him and he knows that I strongly dislike what he does but that seems to only make him more "right" and me more "wrong" in his mind. At least now I'm more modivated to try and find a way for him to see what damage hes doing even if he does keep getting mad at me for feeling hes harsh.

[mickie333]

Originally Posted by tomsnukie

Thanks for the comments, its nice to feel like others have the same issue. I have talked with him and he knows that I strongly dislike what he does but that seems to only make him more "right" and me more "wrong" in his mind. At least now I'm more modivated to try and find a way for him to see what damage hes doing even if he does keep getting mad at me for feeling hes harsh.

If he is hitting your children with a belt then you need to take action fast. Even if that requires outside assistance from like lets say--- law enforcement.

[amcgowan]

This is not a diffence in parenting styles. This is mental and psychological abuse. The fact that your husband is talking down to his children then twisting things to where you are the one in the wrong when you try and discuss your feelings on this with him, plus telling everyone you are "soft" is making fun of you and is a clear and classic sign of ABUSE. Abusers do not have to hit their wives or children to be abusers. I am sorry if this bothers you but it is part of the abuse cycle. By downing you and critizing you in the way you mentioned shows the signs of control an abuser uses. I use to volenteer at a Domestic Violence Shelter and seen this alot. In addition I took additional courses in Domestic Violence when I was getting my Bachelors of Science in Criminal Justice. Abuse is not always physical but also mental and psychological. It is wrong and you do not deserve that. No one does.

[katieculpepper]

I'd hit my husband with a belt if he hit the kids with one.

[alicia4207]

I guess you can say I have a "kids" point of view on this since I haven't been an adult too long (21). My parents started off with 4 children "the first four" they are my older brothers and sisters (now they have their own famies 26-32) who did get "the belt". I think it was just some sort of parenting back then...

Anyways after a major surgery my mom was told she wouldn't be able to have any children but then popped out my brother (22), me, and my youngest brother (18). I think by the time they were raising "the last three" as the older ones like to call us, they sort of new times were different and didn't need to use "the belt" punishment with us. I think I remember being spanked once when I was wayyy little but that's about it. Who knows I probably didn't pick up my toys or something

We were raised differently but all turned out just fine and are as normal as any family can be. I know that none of my brothers or sisters hit their kids because they didn't like it and it's 2012, it's a different world than it was back then, definitely more unacceptable now than ever.

I definitely think there's a problem with you and your husband not agreeing on things. Just because his parents used those methods on him doesn't mean you have to agree to them for your kids too. Good luck hope it works out

[bebelaw04]

Discipline should be used as a way to teach children right from wrong. Making a child believe they are "dumb" because they did something wrong is going to have long lasting effects. Teenage girls these days, in my opinion, face more struggles when it comes to low self esteem (unprotected sex, teen pregnancy, drug use, ect.) Another thing that really bothers me is if you don't make your DH see the error of his ways when it comes to how he disciplines your gilrs, your girls may grow to blame YOU! If they see you just standing by doing nothing while he hits them or calls them names, they'll see you at fault as much as he is.

I'm the "softer" parent in my home, but will not let DH get out of control. I know as parents we aren't suppose to undermined the other parent in front of our children, but there have been times when I felt DH was going too far with punishment and I stepped in and yelled at DH to BACK OFF!

They're your children too! This should be a 50/50 type deal. Both of you need to come to a compromise on how to discipline your children, if not, then your not in a partnership and he has too much control.

[cskrizan]

I believe in corporal punishment too. Spare the rod, spoil the child, in my book. BUT, I wouldn't allow my DH to use the belt. We do use a wooden spoon if needed.

A good book is Creative Correction.
My kids get a tsp. of hot sauce if they lie.
My son got a close pin on his tongue because he wouldn't stop sticking it out when we told him to stop whatever it was he was doing naughty.
They have had to open and close doors 25 times if they slammed it the first time.
They have had to walk up and down the steps 10 times if they stomped the first time.
There are others that we have done too.

It was very brave of you to post about this subject, it's so taboo. We are the parents, and as long as it isn't abuse(and you WILL know, deep down, if it is)corporal punishment is ok. There will be posters disagreeing w/me, but that is fine by me.

[tomsnukie]

**UPDATE** me and my husband have gotten involved in a bible study group, wifes in one side group and husbands in another. Since the he decided on his own to make a change! Hes stopped using his bad language around the kids and saves the belt as a last resort (mainly when one of the girls did something that sirously endangers the life of themself or others-this belt use I agree with) and and a bonus he decided that porn is un-healthy for our relationship. so happy!

[bebelaw04]

I'm happy for you

[gdaniel5]

OP, glad to hear things are getting better in your household but I do encourage you to put a stop to any physical beatings (and yes they are beatings) should they start again.

I am a mental health counselor and cannot tell you the number of lives I've seen ruined by "well meaning" parents thinking it's okay to physically assault their children for their own good or by mis-quoting the Bible using "spare the rod..spoil the child" garbage...taken out of context by parents (in my opinion) that are overwhelmed and exhausted all options of dealing with a stressful situation.

IF corporal punishment worked, our prisons would not be FULL of people that were beaten as children...the percentage of people incarcerated that were physically assaulted will astound you and further reinforces why it NEVER should be considered as a way to parent a child...and like someone already stated: ITS AGAINST THE LAW!

[Cass3927]

Originally Posted by gdaniel5

OP, glad to hear things are getting better in your household but I do encourage you to put a stop to any physical beatings (and yes they are beatings) should they start again.

I am a mental health counselor and cannot tell you the number of lives I've seen ruined by "well meaning" parents thinking it's okay to physically assault their children for their own good or by mis-quoting the Bible using "spare the rod..spoil the child" garbage...taken out of context by parents (in my opinion) that are overwhelmed and exhausted all options of dealing with a stressful situation.

IF corporal punishment worked, our prisons would not be FULL of people that were beaten as children...the percentage of people incarcerated that were physically assaulted will astound you and further reinforces why it NEVER should be considered as a way to parent a child...and like someone already stated: ITS AGAINST THE LAW!

Yes yes yes yes!!!..and I too am in the field of psychology and agree that this behavior will have lifelong effects on your children. If you don't stop it they will resent you as much as they resent him one day.

[Goddessoflubbock]

While I disagree with corporal punishment and resort instead to time outs, groundings or extra chores, it's not actually against the law.

In 20 states corporal punishment is still used in schools. Parents may opt out in most places and their kids get detention or iss instead, but it is alive and well.

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