[jennrn915]

I never wanted kids...I thought. I was wrong! I got pregnant when I was 20. It was hard being so young, but so worth it. My husband always wanted kids and if I had said we couldn't have kids, we would have broken up. Now he doesn't want anymore but if I got pregnant again, I wouldn't be sorry. Life and age change you. Only you know what the best solution for your situation is but there are safe and effective methods of birth control you can use until you decide. All the best to you!

[leYGar]

Thanks for all the continued comments!

Regarding this issue i think i come from this idea-I'd rather want it and not have it than have it and not want it...If worse comes to worse, I could always adopt a child if i decide to go ahead and have this operation. I dont need my "DNA" passed down. I feel that is a very primitive arguement to hold. And if i adopt I can kind of have a designer baby-i can choose white, yellow, black, blonde, green eyes, etc!

As for the disabilites issue: we have a family friend who has a son with a developmental issue, along the lines of DS. He always had dreams of playing ball with his son and going to his games and sending his son off to college. He can't really do any of that. His child has the mentality of a 3 year old and it will not get any better. He has told me that he hurts inside and the stress from raising the child has brought him and his wife on the brink of divorce many times. We go on trips a lot so he has told me some other personal stories as well. He has often said that unless you are 110% sure you want kids, dont have them. The talks with him have made this idea more set in stone.

Also the financial benefits of not having children: I can live wherever-I dont have to buy an expensive house in a certain school district to get my kids the best education. I can blow my nonexisitant's kids college fund on a boat or a car! And i can be the selfish person that I am-all my income spent on myself and then when i die ill just donate it all to charity!

[LetaB]

I don't regret my children at all. If anything, I wish I would have gotten started younger. (I was 25 when I married and became a stepmom to a then 5 year old boy, and 27 when I got pregnant for the first time.)

But we aren't talking about me, are we?

I'll give the example of SIL and BIL. SIL knew she did not want children. At all. Ever. She's a fab aunt, and that's what she wants. She did not want a partner who wanted children.

Well, she found her dream man. He doesn't want kids, either. At all. Ever. Wanting children was a dealbreaker for him.

Once they were together for several years, he got clipped. They are married now, but he'd had the vasectomy for awhile before that.

They are so happy to have found each other, because this was non-negotiable for both of them.

Could a woman, a potential life partner, change your mind? That's the question you need to ask yourself. Or would you move on if children were a definite desire of hers? Nobody could have changed SIL's mind or BIL's mind. If they hadn't bumped into each other, they'd still each be childless.

BTW, freezing sperm is SUPER EXPENSIVE. As in, $3-$5K per year. And Planned Parenthood will clip you for a few hundred dollars. And oral sex = most effective, most fun, cheapest, least side effecty way not to get pregnant.

[kittie1990]

I never wanted kids actually when I'm walking in the store and someone's kid is screaming I secretly tell myself maybe a muzzle would help,i know horrible huh?.But I made alot of mistakes when I was a teenager so I was pregnant at 16 and I had to grow up alot and thank god my now DH stayed with me even though I didn't treat him that well because I thought he would leave me since I was preggo.Now we have two DDs and we can't be happier.He likes kids but I sometimes feel like if I would of made better choices I could of finished high school went to college and then I would of been a better mother,not to mention for my 21st bday I was preggo which made me kinda upset but now with my oldest starting school soon I am so excited because while she is in school I will be too.I'm going back to get my G.E.D and hopefully go to college after.My kids are my little life savers because the path I was going down I would of probably never made it to 21!

[trishmom2five]

It is such a personal decision, and so hard to make. When I was 25 I had my first. Her dad turned out to be someone I really did not like, we divorced when he came home and said he was sleeping with a coworker. I was done with kids for sure at that point. At 29 I remarried, to a man that had one of his own and had a very similar situation. Neither of us wanted anymore kids. Until a couple years into our marriage, when for some reason we both decided we wanted that connection that really only comes from having a child. After that one, we were both done, awful pregnancy. I was all set to tie my tubes, but at the appt with the Dr to do it, turned out my body liked being pregnant and I was already there again. I have to say, she is the absolute best thing I never knew I wanted, and was certain I didn't.
Long story short, wait...you are young. If you still think you want to go for the Big V, first go visit a retirement home, and visit with some of the men. See what they think, how they felt at your age now, and how they feel at the age they are now.
Having children or not is not a decision anyone should make too rashly. The cost of undoing a Vasectomy is crazy high....old fashioned BC is much cheaper until you know for sure.

[kelli050]

Originally Posted by Kayline

Regret? No. Fantasize about how my life would have been different? Yes.

Regardless of your current feelings, it would be nearly impossible to find a reputable doctor that would perform a vasectomy on someone as young as you are, so this is something you're wasting your time contemplating right now.

^^couldn't have said it better myself. I am 24 and have 3 children (yes...we are done ) and while I know sometimes it would be easier financially or we would have more material things, more money and just all around more time if we didn't have children I wouldn't trade them for anything. There are those priceless moments with them that are just everything to me.
As the poster said in the message I quoted, you would have a very hard time finding a doctor to perform a vasectomy on a 24 yr old, so many things change in life and there are so many different ways to prevent pregnancy until (or if) you change your mind in the future

[leYGar]

Are any of these decisions to have kids based on your religious views?
I'm not a religious person so maybe that factor is not pushing me as strong as it did to some others. ..

[Nermalina]

edited

[Seirith]

I think only you can make that decision and know for sure what you truly want. I am 28 and have known since I was very small that I never wanted children. Everyone always told me I'd change my mind when I got older, when I had a boyfriend, when I got married etc etc. Now I am 28, been married for 5 years and together for 13.

If you truly do not want children no person will change your mind because it is something you don't want which is unrelated to another person.

I have chosen right now the IUD route because it is effective and safe.

[GwenythOwensMama]

It's up to you obviously. No one can sit here and make you understand just how much love a parent has for their child, or how much a child changes you (for the better in my opinion). I don't for 1 second regret my 3 children, I love them all so much, I wear my heart on my sleeve daily, and my love has grown so much with each one of them. And no, not all of them were planned, but wanted? YES! (Although when I was in my early 20's- kids weren't necessarily on my mind). We don't live a luxurious lifestyle, but I can tell you the moment I held each one of my newborns, I honestly felt I had won the biggest lottery out there, and accomplished my ultimate best. I still feel this way as their Mother, I have the best job in the world. They humble me in so many ways, and I look at people & life in a new perspective I never had, like I appreciate life so much more. We may not take cruises around the world, or go out to fine dining every week, or be able to buy whatever we want, but I forget about all that in an instant when my silly little boy says "I love you Mommy" and gives me the biggest hug & kiss before bed, or when I saw my newborn little girl crying at her 4 a.m. feeding last night, but then I picked her up and she gave me her first big, dimply smile! We have fun, just in a new way than what we were used to before children. Would I go through my high risk pregnancies, NICU after birth for the first 2, scary hospitalizations when my son was 8 weeks and then 16 months, then hyperemesis during my 3rd pregnancy and complicated labor/delivery? I would go through all those things over and over for them. Having children is not always easy, but such an amazing experience I am just lucky to have, and with everything in life- you have to learn to handle the doom & gloom along with the rainbows & sunshine.

I am not a religious person either, btw. Neither is my husband.

Someone once told me that you don't regret the children you have, only the ones you didn't have.

It just sounds like you are young, and going through the naturally selfish age that most people go through in their teens and early 20's. I am NOT saying it is a bad thing to be selfish in that way! I am 30 and most of my friends from HS and college are still going through that. Everyone should have a chance to be their self without strings attached- do what they want, blow their money, etc... However most people grow out of that, and you don't know how you will feel 5-10 years (or more) down the road.

Vasectomy is such an extreme measure in my humble opinion. (My husband and I are still not sure we want to go that route, even though we are pretty sure we are done now with 3). You are still young. There are plenty of ways to prevent pregnancy, as others have mentioned. Just to warn you about vasectomy- even that is not necessarily 100% accurate at preventing pregnancy... I belong to another online parenting forum and have heard of more than 1 pregnancy that had occurred even after they thought they had a successful procedure done. Once you get the procedure done, you have to go back to your Dr. for multiple tests to be SURE you are "firing shots without bullets" so to speak. If there's ANYTHING still left, you could still get pregnant, as I'm sure you know. Also, if you get it done- make SURE you go to a very, very reputable Dr, and go to the followup appt's!

[Ronica447]

Regret? No way!! I wouldn't change anything for all the stockpiles in the world.
My son was diagnosed with Autism when he was 3-yrs. old. As a single parent there were sacrifices I had to make, but looking at him today makes them all worth it.
I don't think you're ready to be a father yet, but I also don't think you're ready to make the decision not to be either.

[funnygirl1002]

Well, I came across this thread and I couldn't help myself. I had to write something here! I'll keep it short. When my oldest son was born i was 19 and my hubbie was 26. We both loved children then and obviously still do now (look at signature line! ). We do not regret any of them. I will say this....vasectomy IS NOT 100%!!! My hubbie had one after our youngest daughter (8 years old) was born. We were done but as you can see under my screen name....we are expecting again. Years later! Shocked and surprised but no regrets here. You are very young and you never know who is going to come into your life. Make sure you go to a reputable doctor because as far as i know (i work in the medical field) I believe they would say your too young. Good luck with your decision either way.

[lrw2706]

Kids are the gift that keep on taking.....

[liibyz]

I grew up always saying 'I'll never have kids etc.' Now, I'm in love & have no idea what I want now.

[couponcrazee]

You are still growing. Who you are in your 20s is just an inkling of who you will be at 40. Why do you appear to have such a negative view of family life? Would you run out on the perfect non child wanting spouse if they somehow became ill and less than perfect? There are no guarantees in life. Even the childless life can be limiting and full of hardship. If you feel by not having children, you are guaranteed some perfect carefree life, you are wrong. Only time and growth can tell if you will regret it.

[leYGar]

Originally Posted by liibyz

I grew up always saying 'I'll never have kids etc.' Now, I'm in love & have no idea what I want now.

Be careful, love makes you do crazy things!

[hotmama111]

Wow I really thought that vascetomies were reversible. Well just so you know.....I know of several vasectomy babies, so be warned and double up on protection for 5 mo afterwards if you do go that route.

Good luck whatever you decide. Live with no regrets. Remember that just because your friend is having a hard time, doesn't mean you will.

In response to your statement, "I can blow my nonexisitant's kids college fund on a boat or a car! And i can be the selfish person that I am-all my income spent on myself and then when i die ill just donate it all to charity!"

Please if you die, donate your $$$$ to me, bc I have kids and I need $$$ !

[batmansblonde]

It's easy to not want kids that you don't have but once you do have them you couldn't imagine life without them. People on their death beds don't regret their children, they regret never having them.

[hotmama111]

About the IUD route that somebody mentioned is not entirely safe. Better than nothing, but my Dr. told me that they've had a bunch of paraguard babies lately.

And also, child support may be for 18 years, but herpes is forever so you'd probably better rubber up b/c you would seriously regret getting that!

[Seirith]

hotmama111, I am the IUD person, I know it is not 100% safe, I have Mirena, this is my second one and so far no babies. Nothing but never having sex is 100% and I don't think my husband would go for that. Also, I am not worried about STD's so no need for rubbers.

batmansblonde, actually yes people do regret their children, my own grandmother told my mother and I both that if she had it to do over she would have never had children. I know know a few people from HS that have had children and regret them, they love them but wish they had never had them. People do regret them.


"Would you run out on the perfect non child wanting spouse if they somehow became ill and less than perfect?"

couponcrazee,What does not wanting children and a spouse becoming sick have to do with one another? They are two very different things which are not related in any way.

[Layla Stryker]

I don't regret my daughter at all.
I regret being 18 and an inexperienced fool in regards to money (credit) at that time.

I NEVER wanted kids. My best friend of 15+ years could not believe I was keeping the baby.


I now have major baby fever, as my daughter is five turning fifteen.

I NEVER wanted more kids and I met someone and the minute we entered a relationship all I saw everywhere were babies.

He was totally on board the baby boat too which didn't help. (I was 22, him 33)

I had a mirena put in in 09 for a variety of reasons including medical health, right before I was with him.

It didn't work out between us, so no farm full of babies.

I wanted My tubes tied but where I lived before insurance would not cover it until I turned 25 or had 3 kids.

Here in my new state with new insurance, they will cover it but I'm not quite sure.

My "friend" is fixed himself, again being older with two kids, and it actually bothers me that he is.

I'm on the fence about having more (I need to focus on other things right now) but I do not regret my daughter

My daughter saved my life, and I wouldn't trade her for anything.

[jswede1149]

Originally Posted by leYGar

Thanks for all the continued comments!

Regarding this issue i think i come from this idea-I'd rather want it and not have it than have it and not want it...If worse comes to worse, I could always adopt a child if i decide to go ahead and have this operation. I dont need my "DNA" passed down. I feel that is a very primitive arguement to hold. And if i adopt I can kind of have a designer baby-i can choose white, yellow, black, blonde, green eyes, etc!

As for the disabilites issue: we have a family friend who has a son with a developmental issue, along the lines of DS. He always had dreams of playing ball with his son and going to his games and sending his son off to college. He can't really do any of that. His child has the mentality of a 3 year old and it will not get any better. He has told me that he hurts inside and the stress from raising the child has brought him and his wife on the brink of divorce many times. We go on trips a lot so he has told me some other personal stories as well. He has often said that unless you are 110% sure you want kids, dont have them. The talks with him have made this idea more set in stone.

Also the financial benefits of not having children: I can live wherever-I dont have to buy an expensive house in a certain school district to get my kids the best education. I can blow my nonexisitant's kids college fund on a boat or a car! And i can be the selfish person that I am-all my income spent on myself and then when i die ill just donate it all to charity!

I have not read all the posts. I apologize if I repeat a previous idea.

1) The reality is a relationship takes two people. No one can change or control how a person feels. There is always the risk of a relationship ending from dating to marriage. I've known people who were married 25 years and ended in divorce. I had an emotional affair and changed 360 after it. I used to judge people about their relationships but no more. Relationships are very complicated things and there is no black and white.

However, to not have kid(s) because of the fear of divorce needs further evaluation IMHO. What kind of relationship and life can you have with someone if you live in fear of divorce? The best antidote to divorce is self-sufficiency for either sex.

2) Money is not everything. I've traveled all over the world and I attend an ivy league college as a mother. Being a parent does not mean you do not live in most cases. We've hopped cities and working towards relocating overseas. My child has done more in seven years than most adults in their lifetime. The only place I've had problems is the airlines who do not offer child fares overseas (even when the plane was 75% empty- go figure!)

My brother's fiancee does not want kids. She is the most materialistic person I have ever seen. His engagement ring was not good enough. She expected 15k more in settings. She refused to tell anyone in her family she was engaged until the ring was set. She buys 3k television sets. Yet, all she does is work and is morbidly obese. She clearly is very unhappy.

I know couples who have four kids and work in fast food or look at the 19 kids and counting show. It stands to reason these couples can not afford such luxuries but THEY CHOSE THIS.

As for school and college, you can move where ever you want and put your child(ren) in whichever school you feel right. I think we will see the whole college landscape change. The amount of student loan debt is staggering and I can not for see the government allowing this trend to continue. My parents, who had three kids and lived in poverty, sent my brother, sister and I to college in cash. I pay for my classes in cash.

3) Your friend was given a handicapped child for a reason and there is beauty in that. I am sorry his family is stressed out.

That is just one account. Having a disability myself, do not be so quick to judge. It is impossible to understand what it is like in that situation as an outsider and peoples feelings differ vastly in the same situation.

4) You're right. No form of birth control from condoms to surgeries are 100% effective. If you are that worried, then do not do the deed. You face fatherhood every time you do.

I went through hell in my pregnancy. I was sick. Type 1 diabetes appeared and was misdiagnosed as GD. I had a C section. I do not regret this decision for one second. Sure, at times, I want to pull my hair out but overall, it is a very worthy experience.

[drc66]

I have 2 older sons 23 & 25 and a 7 yr. old. My 23 yr. old says he doesn't want children either. My 25 yr. old didn't want children either but he now has 2 & 1 on her way. (Yay for nana..that's me..) And he wants maybe 1 more after his 3rd. I don't regret any of my children. I do wish I had went to college & got a job first. I am a SAHM. I do feel this is what God has meant for me even though sometimes I wonder why things have happened in this order for me but that's not for me to know right now I think.
I'd advise to wait a little longer to let yourself grow up before you decide to do anything. Go have fun, spend & save money, live your life but just be careful (use protection--diseases & etc.) And like many have said you may meet the right one & want children.

[leYGar]

Can someone please explain this quote that I always hear from parents: my son or daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me.

I would think graduating college or H.S. would be better since it would mean you would be able to support your future self and offspring! Or maybe meeting your S.O. would be the best thing to happen to you!! Are ppl really this unaccomplished that having a baby, which is easy to do and even a goldfish can have one, is their biggest joy in life?!?

[deneisetorres]

I knew my whole life that I wanted to be a Mom. Never doubted it for a moment. But, my Sister never wanted kids, knew it at a fairly young age & chose not to have any. She married a man who also did not want kids & they have been together for 25+ years.

I have always supported my Sister's decision, even when the rest of the Family was urging her to change her mind. (You'll regret it. Who'll take care of you when you're old?) I believe that if you are absolutely certain that you don't want kids, then you should not have them. However, please remember, a vasectomy will not stop STD's, so if you are thinking that you can go merrily bareback ever after, I would urge you to think again.

Also, you need to be completely honest with any woman that you date regarding your desire not to have children. Most people do want to have children someday & it would be unkind to allow a woman to fall in love with you & have to make a choice between the man she loves & the child she wants.