[SomethingSnazzy]

Whatever label anyone wants to put on it...lesbian/bi/gay, etc.

If you have anything negative to say...move along because simply...your negativity is not needed or wanted...my belief as a parent (and what I have taught my kids) is if they love and are loved back, without any abuse, we don't care the color, religion or gender of the person they are in love with...

With that said...this is my dilema as a parent and out of all the books I have read I cannot find my answer.

Our rule about our daughters with boyfriends: they are allowed over, doors are to remain open at all times, come Midnight they must go home.

Our rule about our daughter with her girlfriend: they are allowed over, doors are to remain open at all times....and this is where we are stumped

I discussed it with my daughter last night and she felt that this was her only reservation about 'coming out' to us...her not being able to have sleep overs with her friends and/or girlfriend...my daughter has pledged abstinence (2 of my daughters actually) so I am not concerned with any sexual acts occurring (although I will not be naive) but like we were discussing last night...is it fair to modify our set house rules simply because they are the same gender???...at this point we actually have because her girlfriend has slept over many of times (I believe there might come a time when one of the other says 'you allow ____'s girlfriend to sleep over, why can't my boyfriend), and when I discussed it with her parents, they basically don't have any set rules, without coming out and saying these exact words I felt they meant 'we don't have to worry about pregnancy'

Any advice?

[Beautemous02]

I think if your daughter with boyfriends can stay until midnight, then your daughter with a girlfriend can stay until midnight. As for staying the night, if your daughter with a boyfriend can't stay the night, then its not fair to let your daughter with a girlfriend stay the night. She should still be given the same ground rules as your other children.

[Dominochic]

I agree with Beautemous02 - it sounds like a double-standard to me if you let one of your daughter's have their significant other over past midnight and not let your other daughter have her significant other over past midnight. It's just my opinion, but I would personally have the same rules for both daughters. If you're worried about it, maybe institute a "no friends over past midnight" rule, male or female. Then you don't have to worry about it being discriminating? Just a thought Good luck!!

[bette]

I agree that the same ground rules should apply for either. BUT, I do just want to say how happy your post made me. I raise my children the same way, and I very often face ridicule and misunderstandings because of it. I applaud you, and even more, your daughter! Most of my friends are gay, lesbian, bi, or transgender and I am very vigilant about my children not only accepting them, but EMBRACING them. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person and you have raised her very well!

[beckaanne]

I guess the question is if it's a girlfriend or a girl friend. It might be impossible to differentiate between the two, but I think it would be okay to let girl friends stay over, but draw the line at girlfriends.

[peanut78]

Be honest with your daughter and let her know you aren't sure how to handle this situation yet and you need some time to think it through and discuss with DH.

This will let her know that you are treating her as a young woman and are addressing the issue but need some time to do so.


While you think on it, advise her that any friend (male or female) is only allowed until midnight.

[tnmommy]

We don't really do sleepovers much in our family, but I know I did as a kid and it was fun! I think the same rules apply to boyfriends and girlfriends. You would not allow a boy friend to stay over, so there is perhaps no difference in girl friends. You might have to say no more sleepovers for anyone. You will probably be unpopular at home with this one, though.

[skbrush]

I have young children so I have not had parenting experince but from my childhood I can say they is a fine line b/w girlfriends, boyfriends and friends!
My mom/dad always had the rule that friends either boy or girl cold hang out until curfew in the common areas of our home, porch, living, dining and kitchen. NO ONE upstairs b/c that was our private family space. That's probably hard now b/c of computers and such. We did have sleep overs but it was usually for bday parties so there was more than one and we would take over the livingroom with sleeping bags.Sounds very old fashion, guess I am getting OLD!
I had a friend whose home I stayed at all the time and things were a little crazy there b/c her parents never set down rules.
My parents always treated us the same 3 girls and 1 boy. My older sister got away with too much so that set the tone for the rest of us!!!

[shelleyf]

I agree with the others. Have one set of rules for everyone to follow. I have learned recently that sleepovers are not a good thing. One of my kids got into alot of trouble because of it a few months ago and now nobody is allowed to spend the night much less come over for a long time. I think you are smart in wanting to set boundaries for everyone.

[blueflowers]

I would institute the "no friends after midnight" rule for all the children. Kids of any age need some downtime away from friends to just be themselves, be childish, be cranky, just to be.

[smeador]

I can see where things are getting confusing. I agree that all the rules should be the same regardless of gender for the girlfriend/boyfriend. Where I would have trouble deciding is that not EVERY girl friend is a girlfriend. It seems unfair that she wouldn't be able to have someone who is just a friend stay the night. I guess it would come down to if you think your daughter would be totally honest and tell you if someone were more than a friend. If so, I would say midnight is it but if you can trust her and it is just a friend then a sleep over is fine.

JMO

[SomethingSnazzy]

Thank you all...that is my feeling that the same rules apply, consistency...my hub doesn't agree (only i know this), and of course, my daughter doesn't agree...my daughter called a family meeting for tonight, which hub and I laughed about in bed last night because only one other time have one of the kids called a family meeting. While laughing I told hub I think I am going to be outvoted tonight, he said 'probably'.

Dictatorships are looking mighty good to me right now

[hotmama111]

Interesting topic. I remember how strict my parents were with me but not at all with my brother. I was never allowed to have anyone over and I had curfews- he did not - because I was the one that could become pregnant and not him. What's interesting now a days is that just b/c the boy isn't the one who can "get pregnant" doesn't mean that he wouldn't be off the hook financially for 18 years, so keep that in mind mamas of boys .

I do wonder if you raise your kids with curfew and no overnight/doors closed rules if they wind up blowing off steam later or not. If you let them do more while young if they won't go wild and crazy in college maybe? I know in Europe kids who are given a little access to alcohol don't binge like American kids--I know slightly off topic but still. Wonder how it'll play out for me when my kids are in their teen years.

Thanks for the post op. Those who judge have been judged themselves imo.

[cmartin6706]

I PMed you.

[joshmamabear]

How old is this DD?

Our rule about our daughter with her girlfriend: they are allowed over, doors are to remain open at all times....

I am leaning to uphold this rule which I think is fair and respectful to you as parents. Since they're still living with you, YOU set the rules and they have to comply with it until they are on their own. You can hear them if they want some leeway BUT you still have the last say as parents.

as PP mentioned, your rules should be applied to all kids OR else it will just backfire on you when they tell you later, "why is it that X sis or bro is allowed to have her or his gf/bf past midnight but not me? isn't that discrimination?" Then, you are put at an awkward position when you have to explain.

When they become independent, they can do as they please. You seem to be parents who listen to your kids and accept (and love) them unconditionally. The fact that your DD came out in the open at a young age shows that you're quite open and supportive in your family. It's a good thing in the sense that you don't learn of it from other people, when there's gossip outside the home, you're not shocked about it because you've known it and your kid has been open about it.

I think it's healthy that she brings her gf for ya'll to meet BUT even w/o issues of teen pregnancy, they should still be supervised due to their age. If you tell her that, maybe she will understand. The same is true for your boys if you have any, but most especially if they bring girlfriends. We can't be too naive these days; we've all been young once and we get into mischief that may have lasting consequences we can't handle. As parents, this is where we should be careful about. It is best to be proactive before any problems come up rather than find solutions later. When teens make mistakes like teenage pregnancy, there's not too many options available to them that won't change their lives drastically. That is why it is best for parents to be their advocate.

It's not easy raising teens but trust the way you raised your kids. It is a difficult phase parents go through but it shall pass in no time and you'll be all right. Good luck!

[SomethingSnazzy]

Originally Posted by hotmama111

Interesting topic. I remember how strict my parents were with me but not at all with my brother. I was never allowed to have anyone over and I had curfews- he did not - because I was the one that could become pregnant and not him.

If I wasn't raised with 6 older brothers (I was the only girl and the BABY), I would think you were my sister I heard that statement more than I care to admit...'You can get pregnant, your brothers can't'...cringe worthy.

Totally off topic...That is what is great about being a parent...you get to run your household in the manner you feel is most beneficial as a whole, sometimes it backfires and needs some adjustment, other times you are amazed at how well it works...so far the only thing the older kids seem to dislike (and say they would change as a parent) is our stringent requirement for straight A's...for us it is their responsibility, if you have time for after school activities, sports, friends, and having fun then you WILL have time for your main responsibility or suffer the consequences which is a loss of those activities plus your cell phone and computer (unless it is homework related).

[SomethingSnazzy]

Originally Posted by joshmamabear

How old is this DD?

She is 14 for one more month.

[Kayline]

I don't have any advice that's different than what's already been given but I just want to say...Wow!! You are an incredible parent and I applaud you!!

[joshmamabear]

Originally Posted by SomethingSnazzy

She is 14 for one more month.

Still young and fragile, IMO

At this age, they need a lot of guidance so lead them well.

Stick to your rule(s), you're in the right track. It'll not be easy but when they're older, they will thank you for it.

[berniegbeagle]

I think that you have to be consistant. With that being said, it seems a little out to limit your daughter's friend being able to spend the night when your son's friends might stay over also. Also, while the years since I was a teenager are longer than my time spent as a teenager, I still remember the "where there is a will there is a way" attitude about getting away with things. What about this as an compromise. No love interests can spend the night, but if any children want to have a same sex non love interest friend spend the night they can do that on the condition that they must "camp out" in the living room or some other public area.

Lets face it.. if teenagers want to have sex they will find a time/place to do it. You have to rely on the values that you have taught your children in their younger more impressionable days as well as what you are still teaching them today. But, I can agree with your rules, and I think that having rules in a household are so important.

You have to keep the rules the same for everyone.

[naturallysassy]

Nope. Her girlfriend has to get out at midnight, too! Just so everyone sticks to the same rules.

I don't have teenagers yet, but I think this will be my stance as well. I have sons... if their girlfriends/boyfriends come over, they will have to evacuate at midnight, too.

[jonsgurl0531]

When I was young ALL my friends were boys. I was not allowed to have sleep overs with them ( I Am straight) even though they were not my boyfriends.So to me it would make since for her not to have girls stay over even if they are "just friends".

Midnight is a pretty late curfew.. I got till 10pm when I was younger so lucky her .

[Jakejake]

I had it easy. My daughter is an only child, so when her girlfriend stayed over in high school, there was nobody to call us on our potential hypocrisy.

I would not have let her have a bf stay over at the same age, and I fully admit (to myself anyway) it's the pregnancy risk - and date rape - that makes a difference to me. You can screw up relationships in a lot of ways that cause shorter term drama, but having a child and rape are things that can't be undone. Those are forever.

I know rape can happen in same gender relationships, but right or wrong I have the sense that a gay relationship is more based on equality so there's less chance of one partner railroading the other into doing things against their will. There can still be dominant partners, bossy partners, etc. But there's not the lifetime accumulation of story lines saying this is what a guy is owed if he pays for dinner, and all the cultural gender norms they have to fight against to figure out what they really want vs. what's expected.

[katieculpepper]

I feel for ya in this situation. I think just stop ALL sleepovers. Nothing that cool happens after midnight anyways. At least nothing good. Have all friends go home and come back to hang out the next day.

[SomethingSnazzy]

Cannot wait to give you all an update...but need some time to digest with hub. whew is all I can say...2 hours 47 minutes was the length of our meeting...will post tomorrow morning.