[Aradia_Silvermoon]

I am a single parent to a nine year old daughter and I find myself losing my temper with her more often now. I am stressed out from going to therapy, going to school, and since I can't work I only get $200 a week from the government. Things are tough and I find myself yelling at her more and more often. Now it's not just because she is there but because the small things she does just get to me. She talks back, throws fits, and demands things. I know this is typical child behavior but it gets to me more and more.

I have tried explaining to her how we don't have the money for the small things. I have sat her down, showed her the bills, and exactly how much is left over. It hasn't helped and I really don't know what to do anymore. How do I get her to realize her attitude isn't helping and how do I get her to realize that we can't afford toys right now. I did set up a chore list and told her she could earn a little spending money but she hardly does anything. I don't want her feeling poor or deprived though. She already thinks I am mean for rationing milk and other staples (My food stamps got cut by almost $200). She broke down crying and yelling about how mean I am and how I yell a lot. But she doesn't see that her actions and attitude define my actions and attitude.

The bills are piling up, the food is running out, school is hard, I can't work, and she is acting up more and more. I am in desperate need of advice on how to control this whole situation at home.


9/11/2010

Aww thank you to everyone who responded in the last few days. When no one answered my post I thought that everyone thought I was an abusive mom! Things have gotten much better since I posted this. It wound up being a combination of too much summer and not enough of me. So I started playing games with her every night and letting her pick one meal a night. She still has meltdowns and other things but I am dealing with them as they come. My sister's church had a huge free clothing drive, I didn't tell her it was free, and she got to run around and get anything she wanted. She was so excited and happy to get so many "cool" clothes and it didn't cost me any money. She thinks she is so grown up but she is still a child, such a complicated age!

Thank you for all the good advice!

[couponclipper1972]

I am so sad to find this post from July and no one ever responded. Maybe your DD would benefit from some special one on one time with you such as a picnic at the park or playing a board game together. I'm probably not much help, but wanted to let you know someone saw your post. I hope things are better for you. I will say a prayer for you and your family.

[5zamoras]

Wow~ Sorry that this was overlooked!
I pray that things are getting better for the both of you! I find that my kids (12, 10, 7 & 4) will do only what I let them get away with...that being said, stop the talking back beofre it goes to far...etc...
Kids do not understand our hardships, so that's probably why she's "not getting it"....like the PP said, try some special one on one time with her, there are several things that you both can do, that cost little to no money at all. I know that most places (museums, zoo, etc..) have free days, maybe you can take advantage of those. If you have a stockpile, maybe you can sell some off for a little "extra spending money"..
I do pray things ease up for you both, please know that you are never alone, and that there are plenty of resources and people out there who would love to help!
Good Luck!

[sar1]

I'm sorry, too, that no one responded. It's a hard situation. Maybe try doing more fun things that are free so she doesn't feel like she's deprived. I know it's hard when you see all of your friends at school w/cool new things all the time. Maybe find new parks or playgrounds and pack a picnic lunch to make a day of it, explore the library more, play some board games, etc. There are lots of great blogs for fun frugal activities online. She's old enough to help you pick out these activities, too, like deciding which new park to try and making up a menu (out of food you already have) for the picnic and helping to pack it up.

You wrote that her actions and attitude define your actions and attitude, but it also works the other way. I think it's good to let her know the reality of the situation so she keeps her expectations low. But if she sees you stressed out about it all the time, she will also be stressed about it and that's probably where some of the acting out is coming from.

[muffin44]

Try going to a rummage sale for cute little toys.
As far as acting out put her in her room until she can have RESPECT. This is a key word.
No RESPECT no prizes or special things.
I go to church sales and see lots of things for children way cheaper than stores and new too.
Shop Aldis if you have one and buy little pizzas for a treat. Use coupons for buy 1 get 1 free to eat out or share a meal. They always give too much to eat.
Tell her you love her and you do not love her behavior. This may help.

[sneakycatxo]

I have noticed with my DD that kids at school can be cruel. And so much more with her than my two sons. Know that as time goes, the stress will get less for her, as the kids get older and that will help with her demands. I try to create the illusion that we are not poor for the DD. And she appreciates it very much and it's cut down on her thinking that I can go to Justice and drop 30 bucks on a tank top. I would rather die. rofl. As far as fits.. I don't tolerate it in my house. period. They have open communication with me and i will listen to their side of the story and let them try to convince me. However, after I have listened... IF I am still saying no about something.. it ends right there. I am the mom. period. I am a no spank parent as well.. I not saying anything about that other than I don't have to use force or anything nuts I just get up and walk away. I guess what I am trying to say is listen to the PP.. I think they had good ideas but in addition, if I were you, I would be a little firmer about the tantrums.

[aadawggirl]

I am so sorry. I am a single mom of two. It is hard. Our attitude does reflect on them sometimes. I wish I had some clothes in your daughters size to send you. Please send me her size and I will see if I can get some from people.

Hope things are better.

[Robbo]

Ok, I am not a parenting expert nor am I trying to be down on you. Just some advice

Originally Posted by Aradia_Silvermoon

I have tried explaining to her how we don't have the money for the small things. I have sat her down, showed her the bills, and exactly how much is left over. .....But she doesn't see that her actions and attitude define my actions and attitude.

....I am in desperate need of advice on how to control this whole situation at home.

First, it can cause kids more stress when they're involved in the grownups business. If you showed her the bills and it didn't get through to her, then she's probably not ready. She just wants to be a kid and have you handle everything

Second, her actions and attitude should never define yours. I know, right? Sounds so easy when you just write it. But seriously, you are the adult, she's just a kid. She throws fits and tantrums because they work - they get to you and cause you to be uncomfortable. Sometimes a kid just wants you to be as miserable as they are. As soon as you put an end to the effectiveness of her fits (i.e. stop letting her actions and attitude define yours), she'll cool it. Not completely, there's always room to try, but it should diminish.

Third, you ARE in control of the situation. As soon as you believe that, you'll be fine. If you ask her to behave she won't. If you simply accept no less than good behavior she should improve.

You're tough. You're strong. No single mom can claim weakness. You need to believe that, believe in yourself, and put that nine year old in her place. Kids need structure, rules & predictability. Stop working with her and just establish the way it's going to be. When she shows signs of responsibility and respect, loosen the reigns.

I'm so sorry this went overlooked for so long. Thanks to the first responder for giving it a bump! Hugs hugs hugs to Aradia. Don't give up, don't give in!

[5zamoras]

Originally Posted by Robbo

Ok, I am not a parenting expert nor am I trying to be down on you. Just some advice



First, it can cause kids more stress when they're involved in the grownups business. If you showed her the bills and it didn't get through to her, then she's probably not ready. She just wants to be a kid and have you handle everything

Second, her actions and attitude should never define yours. I know, right? Sounds so easy when you just write it. But seriously, you are the adult, she's just a kid. She throws fits and tantrums because they work - they get to you and cause you to be uncomfortable. Sometimes a kid just wants you to be as miserable as they are. As soon as you put an end to the effectiveness of her fits (i.e. stop letting her actions and attitude define yours), she'll cool it. Not completely, there's always room to try, but it should diminish.

Third, you ARE in control of the situation. As soon as you believe that, you'll be fine. If you ask her to behave she won't. If you simply accept no less than good behavior she should improve.

You're tough. You're strong. No single mom can claim weakness. You need to believe that, believe in yourself, and put that nine year old in her place. Kids need structure, rules & predictability. Stop working with her and just establish the way it's going to be. When she shows signs of responsibility and respect, loosen the reigns.

I'm so sorry this went overlooked for so long. Thanks to the first responder for giving it a bump! Hugs hugs hugs to Aradia. Don't give up, don't give in!

This is wonderful advice!!

[couponclipper1972]

Aradia,

So glad to hear things are going better for you. Yeah for fall and back to school! Hang in there, girl. You're doing a great job.

Prayers,
Emily

[christinadeals]

Originally Posted by muffin44

Tell her you love her and you do not love her behavior.

I am taking this line to use with my son. thanks!