[kallagreen]

I have to say that I am not a single mom and I have great respect for single moms.

That to say... I some times think its worse to have a husband who is here yet GONE all the time. My 9month old DD barely goes to daddy. My DS loves his daddy. My DH gets to go places and not have to worry about the kids but if I go out I have to be back normally with in 4 hours so i can feed her. (she doesn't take a bottle or cup) I love my children but sometimes I need some time and some help.

I have told my DH this all the time but it never seems to change. I know that he works a lot but I don't think he realizes what I do and what it takes to take care of two kids all by myself. Even when he is home I still do most of the stuff and if he does something its because I had to ask/tell him.

Its just frustrating are all men like this????? I love him more than anything in the world but sometimes I get so ANNOYED with him.

[superk]

Not all men but most of them. They just don't get it sometimes. Can you hiire some help for a couple hours a day for a couple days a week? It is important for you to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them. If you are able to get some help I would do that.

[shakin72]

I know where you are coming from. I'm home all day with 5 year old twins then go to work for 5 hrs a night one week I work 7 days straight the next week I get 2 days off. Those 2 days I get my 15 year old ds. My dh works mon-fri and has everyweekend off. Nothing gets done unless I ask for it to get done and sometimes even then it doesn't get done. The only time I have to myself is when I drive to and from work and thats only a 2min drive. I am so burnt that i am depressed all the time. So i guess I know how you feel and where your coming from. Luckly for me they start school in the fall. You need to have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Or if you can maybe put them in daycare for a few hours a day.

[bette]

I totally understand! I feel like a single mom of 3 97% of the time. DH does virtually nothing with or for the kids and I often feel like all I want to do is run away and hide. It causes so much resentment as well. I resent the fact that he has a life while I don't.That he gets to have friends and experiences outside this house, meals outside this house, leave the house period! It's really hard. I feel for you. This is often my only escape! Feel free to gripe here anytime!

[DonnaA]

I agree on getting some help if you can. Or what about finding a mommy group. There are lots out there and then you can vent/chat with others who have been there or are there. It seems to help when you can talk with others and maybe you can find someone who would trade with you for time. You watch their kids for an hour or two and then they watch your kids for an hour or two.

I do agree also that sometimes I don't think they and other people get how hard it is with kids when you stay home with them. It is VERY HARD sometimes. But then other times it is great.

Somehow you should try to, if you want to, get her to take a bottle. I know it can be hard but keep trying. All things get easier if you try, try again and again and again. Good luck and hang in there.

[browneyedgrl1110]

I have alot of respect for all of you.I am not a mother yet, but I hope to be as strong as you all are

[akbkm460]

I remember feeling te way you did when mine were little. Hang in there because it goes by so fast and before you know it they will be in school (I use to hate when people said that to me because I needed relief then not later ) I have 5 and at one point 3 under 3 1/2 . My baby is now almost 7 and I miss those times now. (ironic huh? )

I feel for you. All I can tell you is to hang in there... and take advantage of any time you can get alone.

I remember one evening staying up late so I could have a bubble bath alone. I had the music on and candles lit. I was laying there RELAXING. All of a sudden there was a naked 3 year old boy jumping in with me! Now it's a funny and endearing story then but back then I wanted to cry LOL.

[carmended]

I am in the same boat with my hubby but the sad party is, he doesn't go any where, he chooses to stay here and play his games on the computer. Don't get me wrong I am very grateful for him working so much and so hard for us, so that I can stay home with my boys. So I get that he needs to rest and relax when he gets home. But he acts like such a teenager. He goes to work at 230p comes home at 1130p stays up till 230-3a playing a stupid video game. Then he goes to sleep, wakes up when I wake him up about 11am then he is hungry. We eat a late breakfast, then by the time I clean that up they are already asking for lunch. By the time I make that, we eat, and I clean it up its time for him to get ready for work. I am so so so tired by Tuesday. Its hard, knowing when someone is perfectly able to help and they just don;t
Rant off.

[Alexdur85]

My boyfriend is pretty good. I work Mon and Tues 5pm-9pm and then thrus and fri 9pm-2am. Saturdays are my sleep in days and Sunday's are his. I know that when I get home at night no housework will be done unless I ask. I know that my daughter most likely got a sandwich for dinner unless I cooked before I went to work. My boyfriend is starting to watch cooking shows and wanting to try new things. I really think he's just bored and will get sick of it but I'll take advantage when he actually stops watching the tv and gets in the kitchen. I asked him to put away his xbox and then he complaines that the baby is playing with it. He says it easier for him to just pick it up then God Forbid! He take it out of the drawer and hook the controller in! I'm sure he'd help out more if I asked him to.

I do know what you are going through. My daughter had colic until she was bout 5 months old. I was pretty much the only one who could soothe her because after 5 mins of him trying he'd give up. There were times that I had to come home from work early because he couldn't take it.

[Alexdur85]

See.. I understand that my boyfriend also needs his time to relax.. but our time to relax is after the baby is in bed. I worked all day also staying at home, cleaning, cooking (and sometimes even having to actually go to my job job!) but everyone needs some time to unwind. He knows that we can play on the computer or play xbox after Emily is asleep. I wake my boyfriend up when he stays up until the wee hours playing video games. I tell him it's not my fault he stayed up all night watching the tube or what not. He should know to go to bed earlier.

Originally Posted by carmended

I am in the same boat with my hubby but the sad party is, he doesn't go any where, he chooses to stay here and play his games on the computer. Don't get me wrong I am very grateful for him working so much and so hard for us, so that I can stay home with my boys. So I get that he needs to rest and relax when he gets home. But he acts like such a teenager. He goes to work at 230p comes home at 1130p stays up till 230-3a playing a stupid video game. Then he goes to sleep, wakes up when I wake him up about 11am then he is hungry. We eat a late breakfast, then by the time I clean that up they are already asking for lunch. By the time I make that, we eat, and I clean it up its time for him to get ready for work. I am so so so tired by Tuesday. Its hard, knowing when someone is perfectly able to help and they just don;t
Rant off.

[sar1]

Not the same thing, but related... I've been cancelling my own appt's b/c I couldn't get DH to commit to being home to take care of DD. I just can't take her everywhere, like the dentist or my dr. I got fed up with it recently and during one of DD's naps last week I called all over town and scheduled everything I was supposed to have gone to for the past 6 months and everything that I have coming up. I sent him an email at work with all of the dates and times and a short note telling him to put them on his calendar. End of story. He thinks I should just be able to call up the dentist the week of my appt and re-schedule if he has something come up at work that week. They're booked 3 months out! And then 3 months from now, it's likely he'll do the same thing. It's time to stop telling ME I have to re-schedule every time and just tell your client or boss for once that you're not available. Anyway, sorry for the tangent. Feels nice to vent sometimes.

[sar1]

Originally Posted by Alexdur85

I do know what you are going through. My daughter had colic until she was bout 5 months old. I was pretty much the only one who could soothe her because after 5 mins of him trying he'd give up. There were times that I had to come home from work early because he couldn't take it.

I can't even count the number of times DH woke me up when he had night-duty on weekends b/c he didn't know how to get DD back to sleep. I'd look at the clock and he'd only been trying for 5 minutes. It was ridiculous. Remember that phase when you'd have to hold them until they were asleep, then wait several more minutes or they'd wake up and cry the second you laid them down? Yeah, well, he'd never wait long enough b/c he was impatient and essentially have to start the process all over again. How many times do you need to make that mistake before you know to just wait out those few extra minutes and then you're home free and can go back to bed? Or you're DH and just give up and wake me up and say "I don't know - she just won't sleep!" Grrrr!

[gwlapw]

The majority of my friends whom I speak to about this issue, also have this problem. It's very hard and frustrating. I too love my husband with all of my heart but I just flipped out on him a little for not just doing something concerning our child that we do every night, without me having to ask him. Every month I get bad pms and get it all of my chest. Unfortunately, the majority of the month, I just grin and bear it.. sometimes I don't even feel like it's worth the fight.. well, unless i am pms'ing... But anyways, many men are just like kids themselves when it comes to getting things done with the children and the house..

[brook6]

men work outside the home 40-50 hrs/wk; stay at home mom is 24/7

what does he say when you tell him how you feel? can you work out a specific plan/tasks where he can help?

I had to have surgery when mine were younger [3, 5, 10, 12] ...there were lots of tasks I couldn't do for ~6 weeks; DH HAD to HELP ...I realized then that he was 'underutilized'
one of the things he refused to do was shop with coupons [would barely use a list]; I said fine, if you don't care about the money, I don't care [I probably took 10 years off from couponing due to this!]

what I am saying is keep yourself on the priority list for the family, have a discussion when you are both calm and try to get some commitment for more support

I also had to let go of some of my 'perfectionist' ways...I was putting too much on myself!

parenting is one of the most important jobs in the world and we start with the least preparation, knowledge or skill...but we all can learn and get through it

[cundiff2001]

I use to whine because dh worked 70-90 hours/week. I would have given anything for him to be home more. Well, he has been unemployeed since Jan. and I wish he would go back to work sooner than later. It was great at first, he helped so much and made dinner and everything when I was at work. Now I get to work, clean just as much as before, if not more, because he doesn't clean up after the kids when I am at work. I am constantly making this house museum clean for house showings as we are selling and moving out of state. He is home ALL THE TIME messing up our schedule and causing all kinds of chaos!!!!!!

So, long story short, I may have to kill him before we move and he finds a job! He was all, "oh, I'll be the house husband for awhile, it is so easy." He had no idea. The kids are getting on his nerves and he is getting on ours. Sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side. I wish he would just help more and not have to be asked 40 times to do something like a child! He wonders why I am such a bitty sometimes? Hello, get off your butt and help me a little, not in a minute, or 5 minutes or next week. I only ask so it can be done before I can get to it myself.

Ok, rant over and good luck! Maybe we should all take a crusie somewhere or some vacay without our children or esp. husbands/boyfriends! Where do you ladies want to go?

[robsreason]

I don't think that anyone gets what it is like to be a stay at home mom with an infant unless they've been there.

My sis has 3 under 3 years old, but works 40 hours a week, so they go to day care 40 hours a week. She also constantly has them at the baby sitter. Sometimes works on saturdays and is almost always with my mom and other sister so she gets a lot of help. She also takes night classes 3 days a week and sometimes goes out with friends, dates with her bf and never shops with the children in tow. She never understands how I get so burnt out with just one, when she has 3. It's like she can't understand how our situations are completely different. I NEVER get a break!

My husband is great, he tries to help as often as he is home, but he can't help it he is just slow. If I ask him to help by washing the dishes (task that would take me 15 minutes tops) He does it without complaint (god bless him!) but he is gone for an hour or more! It gets to the point where it seems pointless to ask him to help around the house because he is so unproductive. He tries to help with DD but gets frustrated really easily.

I am trying to just enjoy this time while she is small, because I know it will fly by. But I totally understand what you are saying, being a SAHM is super stressful, (especially if you're baby is as demanding as mine) and the people you need to help you the most just have no clue what you are dealing with. Hang in there we are all here for you!

[Susuz]

We can all relate, my Momma always said (as I have said on here before) "The good Lord made all men the same, he just put a different face on them so you could tell which one was yours!"

Not saying they are ALL exactly alike but there are certain characteristics we all deal with. When we were married for awhile, BK Before Kids I read a book called "You Just Don't Understand" and it talks about the differences in language patterns and understanding (misunderstanding) between Men and Women. It helped me alot. One of the things was that you have to be VERY SPECIFIC with men. For example, I don't just say I need some time to myself, I say, "I have scheduled you to take care of DD on Wednesday between 6:00 and 9:30 pm. This includes checking homework, getting her dinner and ready for bed". Do NOT call me unless someone is bleeding, the house is on fire or the Publisher's Clearinghouse guy is at the door looking for me!"

When DD was a smaller my DH would take her for the weekend to his parent's lake house, that way they ALL got to spend time with her without me around, aunts, cousins. He works out of town for the past two years 4 nights a week, home on the weekends. Next week she is going to spend the week with him at the apartment, while he works go to summer day camp there. I just flat out told him I needed a break. He does make a comment every now and then but I just explained to him I was ON CALL 24/7 and was burned out.

I try to make time for me 2 times a year go away overnite with my girlfriends. (usually scrapbooking at one of our houses but that is another story, doesn't cost alot but saves my sanity).

The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself first (like the PP stated) before you can care for everyone else. And like a told a girlfriend (when DD was a baby) when she expressed surprise that DH pitched in "It wasn't like he THOUGHT OF IT HIMSELF, I just matter of factly told him!"

[Susuz]

Oh, and the other poster was right, start a Mom's group, trade out babysitting with a friend, hire a college student one afternoon a week. Take a class, schedule a pedicure, or just go hang out at Barnes and Noble with your headphones on. You are not alone if feeling that way and it DOES NOT mean you are a bad parent, just a stressed out one!

Oh, and also remember that he will not do things exactly like you would or would always like, but if it doesn't endanger you or the baby don't sweat the small stuff! So what if they aren't just as clean as you would like when you get back, so what if the laundry isn't done, or it takes him an hour to do the dishes, it will all shake out in the wash and there will be more tomorrow! Part of it is turning loose of the control thing and realize that if you don't let him spend time and get comfortable in his own way with his own children then you are not doing him any favors either. Dads take alittle while to feel comfortable in charge of the kids! xoxoxoxoo

[jldood]

Originally Posted by Susuz

We can all relate, my Momma always said (as I have said on here before) "The good Lord made all men the same, he just put a different face on them so you could tell which one was yours!"

That is fantastic, I have never heard that and I absolutely love it.

When I read the thread title, "being alone with 2 kids all the time", I immediately said to my self, enough to drive you crazy some days. I have 3 boys who challenge me everyday of my life, some days I swear there is a room at the funny farm with my name on it. My husband also works a lot. When we first had children, we had no idea what we were doing, still don't

I feel like one of the most important things you can do for your children, is to find time for yourself, doing something that either relaxes you or makes you happy. If Momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy.

My husband and I reached agreement a long time ago, I can't, won't and refuse to do it all, so you better step up. That's just me though. You have to do what is right for your family. You will have more patience and appreciation if you are able step outside the home and enjoy being, as I say, a normal person. Hang in there. My arms are super long from hanging. Some days are better than others.

[robsreason]

I know what you mean Susuz, about not sweating the small stuff, it doesn't bother me so much when DH washes dishes for an hour (unless DD is having one of her famous crying episodes, then I'd wish he'd quit for a while and help with her... but at least the dishes are getting clean)

I think that when dh washes the dishes they are cleaner than when I do it, he just takes more time and care knowing he just has that one thing to do. While I'm washing the dishes, in my head I'm already onto the next 3 chores

We live in a small town, we don't know anyone here, our closes friend is a 45 minute drive, the couple times I left DD with a family member (4 hours north) my family (and in laws) made it clear that taking care of my DD was just too much work.

It's actually kind of funny. They only had her for 2 hours each, I have had her for 5 months! Boy if I complained about having her as much as they did for just those 2 hours, I wouldn't have time for anything else!

I love my little baby, but I think she is going to be a diva!

[kallagreen]

I did join a moms group but the problem is my kids I feel like are napping all the time and thats when people do the activities... and I don't know about other people but naps in our house are IMPORTANT. And because they most always take a nap in there bed it is hard to go anywhere and get them to sleep even in the car and then if they do fall asleep in the car they won't go back down. And I feel like the group is so established that when new people come they just turn thier heads.

See my DD has had problems with her ears since she was a baby her first ear infection was at 2 weeks and they never stopped really until we got her tubes put in. So because of all that I feel like I had created a monster (not really but I hope you know what I mean) She ONLY nurses... I have tried to give her a bottle and cup and she just doesn't know how to suck on them she is getting better with the cup but there is no way she is sucking on a bottle. I have thought about finding someone to watch them but DD won't go to ANY ONE! She won't even go to nana or papa. And like I said in the first post she BARELY goes to DH. My ped. said it was normal since I was her only source of fluid... plus we don't have extra money for anything...

I guess- someone else said it too- I have so much resentment toward my husband. He is a Paramedic/firefighter so every third day he is gone for 24 hours (some times longer if he picks up shifts- which he has done a lot because we need the money). I know that what he does is very hard but there are also times when they do NOTHING. I will call him in the middle of the day and he was "napping". NAPPING! Are you serious? I never get a nap... and if I wanted one it would be for like 20 minutes....While there are times when they are busy there are days when they have nothing. But everytime we have a conversation about how I dont think he understands what I do on a daily basis he says I don't understand what he goes through....

Its very frustrating and I just want to run a way by myself sometimes not to leave thme but to just get a break.

My family lives about 6 hours away so about once a month I go down there. When I just had my DS I would go out with my sister and have fun with out DS and it was nice and relaxing but ever since my DD it never happens.

I know I need a break I just don't know when it is going to happen!

Thanks everyone for the support and comments and feel free to rant away....

[karmaj28]

Originally Posted by kallagreen

I have to say that I am not a single mom and I have great respect for single moms.

That to say... I some times think its worse to have a husband who is here yet GONE all the time. My 9month old DD barely goes to daddy. My DS loves his daddy. My DH gets to go places and not have to worry about the kids but if I go out I have to be back normally with in 4 hours so i can feed her. (she doesn't take a bottle or cup) I love my children but sometimes I need some time and some help.

I have told my DH this all the time but it never seems to change. I know that he works a lot but I don't think he realizes what I do and what it takes to take care of two kids all by myself. Even when he is home I still do most of the stuff and if he does something its because I had to ask/tell him.

Its just frustrating are all men like this????? I love him more than anything in the world but sometimes I get so ANNOYED with him.

sad to say like this but i have had seven and yep thats pretty much the way of it. except i would only get to be gone for like two hours.
could you try pumping???? But overall sounds like you have a good man.

[karmaj28]

But my friend once left her dh with a screaming fussy baby for about 6 hours he respected her much more after that. hth

[bette]

OK, some of your DH's have actually pulled night duty? OMG! Mine has never once gotten up to care for any of the kids, even when I am sick. I swear I haven't had a full night's sleep in 11 years now. He says his sleep is so much more important than mine because he actually works. HA!!

[srvymaster]

OP, I feel you for sure! I have 4 kids and my oldest turned 3 at the beginning of April.. Ya, crazy! My DH is helpful when I ask but he's a full time student working on his PhD which takes A LOT OF RESEARCH AND TIME. My youngest are twins and they are 4 months now but I still feel like I can't go anywhere. Imagine taking 4 out that are 3 and under!!!

My first two kids are 14 months apart, not as close as yours but still close. It was very hard trying to get out and my second would only breast feed, which I loved but it was hard to grocery shop much less do something for myself.

I'm sure your husband understands more than you think but he doesn't know what to do about it or what you want him to do about it. You need to come up with something (for me it was book club or a monthly women's church meeting) where it was scheduled and that was that. My DH was understanding and behind me 100% because he knew I was losing my mind.

Talk to him and let him know that you need something... anything... that gets you out of the house and is not part of your job (couponing is part of your job so it doesn't count). Let him know that he'll be in charge the whole time, he will have to get your DS to take a bottle because you won't be back until after bedtime and he can't call you. You will thank yourself and believe it or not your DH will thank you too because he will have his wife back. I'm sure that he is suffering and wants the old you back.

Also, ask your family to come see you at least once a month to help or just visit. They can watch the kids while you either run errands or go watch a movie by yourself.

It's important that you have some down time - for you, your DH and your children. You need a break so that you can love them all and appreciate the time you have with them - otherwise you WILL go crazy... Just look at me, LOL.