[kallagreen]

I know communication is key but how much communication can one person do until the other person gets it! I guess I am just tired of trying to get him to help/understand/everything!

[Smurfytigger]

I agree with cityliveaj, I could have written that post!! My DH is the same way.He works all day, and when he comes home he is always tired so I continue to do all the child care--diapers, dinner, cleaning up, etc. I am "allowed" to go out after 8pm when they are both in bed. That's when I do my AFC shopping and internet stuff. I can stay up late and still function pretty good during the day. But I know what you are saying...you just want a break. If you are like me, you too, want to be able to go out shopping (grocery) without having a curfew or a time limit. It sure is frustrating.

I think we should all get together for some sort of "communal living" Kind of like in the HBO series "big Love"--only without the polygamy (I am not into that--but don't care if others are) I would just like to have friends around all the time so we could all share the work loads and cooking and have fun!!

I am a little crazy I know--but I blame it on my DH!!

[thehiggi]

I have two who are also 13.5 mos apart, and DH was deployed a week after DD was born, so I had a 14 month old and newborn for 6w solo. I learned a lot about what I could and couldn't handle during that time. We lived in the booneys and it was honestly over an hour to get to a "real" grocery store or anything. I think key for us was getting the kids used to sleeping in the car, and making myself mobile. Also, a sling for carrying DD and a stroller or cart for DS. That way, as often as not DD fell back to sleep on my chest or back and DS and I got some great face time.

Now, its harder as we have another son, 25 mos after DD. There aren't too many ways to work it, but I deal with them shopping solo again with the use of the sling for DS2 and the double shopping carts for the kids (although DS1 will walk now so I can put the baby into the cart as well).

DH is deployed a lot, and I think it has really taken a mindshift to "How will I do this?" rather than "This isn't working?" Because you can make it work, solo if you have to, and still get out and about. There are groups virtually everywhere to meet like-minded parents who are also looking to get their kids out and about and also meeet other parents for adult conversation.

Dh has NEVER gotten up with any of the 3 kids overnight, and DS2 is nursing to sleep as well. I have left DS1 alone while in the hospital with DDs C/section and then when she was about 8 months, I left them both with the inlaws for 2 nights to go see DH while he was in training.

I've never left DS2 overnight as he still nurses 3-4x a night and also doesn't take bottles or cups. It can be frustrating, but it passes so quickly.

DS1 turns 4 today. I miss my little tiny baby that he was so long ago but look forward to seeing how he grows up too!

Honestly, I think the age your kids are now was the hardest for me as well. Once your DD starts walking, you'll feel better, I swear!!!

((hugs)) hope you find something in this to connect with...

[kallagreen]

To thehiggi... I have so much more respect for you.

But I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it might be easier if my DH was gone all the time. (not that I want himt o be gone ALL the time) But because I think it is worse to have someone around that doesn't do anything then to have someone who isn't around.

[schatz]

I know exactly how you feel! my dh travels quite a bit for work and I'll be darned if its always at a bad time...like when a kid is sick or there are appts to go to or just a lot in general going on.

when he is gone for a few days I get a good routine going with the kids and then whammo he comes home and its totally screwed up again...

[TJ_2008]

Originally Posted by thehiggi

I have two who are also 13.5 mos apart, and DH was deployed a week after DD was born, so I had a 14 month old and newborn for 6w solo. I learned a lot about what I could and couldn't handle during that time. We lived in the booneys and it was honestly over an hour to get to a "real" grocery store or anything. I think key for us was getting the kids used to sleeping in the car, and making myself mobile. Also, a sling for carrying DD and a stroller or cart for DS. That way, as often as not DD fell back to sleep on my chest or back and DS and I got some great face time.

Now, its harder as we have another son, 25 mos after DD. There aren't too many ways to work it, but I deal with them shopping solo again with the use of the sling for DS2 and the double shopping carts for the kids (although DS1 will walk now so I can put the baby into the cart as well).

DH is deployed a lot, and I think it has really taken a mindshift to "How will I do this?" rather than "This isn't working?" Because you can make it work, solo if you have to, and still get out and about. There are groups virtually everywhere to meet like-minded parents who are also looking to get their kids out and about and also meeet other parents for adult conversation.

Dh has NEVER gotten up with any of the 3 kids overnight, and DS2 is nursing to sleep as well. I have left DS1 alone while in the hospital with DDs C/section and then when she was about 8 months, I left them both with the inlaws for 2 nights to go see DH while he was in training.

I've never left DS2 overnight as he still nurses 3-4x a night and also doesn't take bottles or cups. It can be frustrating, but it passes so quickly.

DS1 turns 4 today. I miss my little tiny baby that he was so long ago but look forward to seeing how he grows up too!

Honestly, I think the age your kids are now was the hardest for me as well. Once your DD starts walking, you'll feel better, I swear!!!

((hugs)) hope you find something in this to connect with...

!

little bit off topic: Deployments are the worst Don't even want to think about our next one.

[thehiggi]

Originally Posted by kallagreen

To thehiggi... I have so much more respect for you.

But I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it might be easier if my DH was gone all the time. (not that I want himt o be gone ALL the time) But because I think it is worse to have someone around that doesn't do anything then to have someone who isn't around.

I absolutely don't want you to think I was trying to say that it is "harder" with him deployed or whatnot, because there is certainly a whole nightmare cycle of how things go as people leave and come back and so on. I guess I wanted to share that you are not alone as much as anything, and that it is never easy.

DH is pretty hands off when he's home too, and I know that I can't leave the house to go to Wags down the road (2 min there and back) without at least one of the kids, even when he's home, usually with the baby in tow, because he can't handle them for 15 minutes while I drive out there, shop and get back. Sometimes it is just 'easier' to pretend he isn't here in terms of how to handle things I need to do and whether or not to drag the monkeys along, even when he's home!

The upbeat part (in case you missed it) is that it does get easier around the time the younger is 1 1/2 or two and they can be counted on to play together for five minutes alone. Or at least it did for me. Feel free to vent/rant or simply PM me to whine any time - been there, dealt with that and I feel for you! Its TOUGH having monkeys so close together, but you can do it...

[kallagreen]

I didn't think that you were saying it was harder. I just have respect for you because even though I am complaining I know that I have him home with me. And even though its not as much as him helping out with the kids but more about "supporting" me. I have my DH with me most of the time and I just think that you doing it alone gives me respect.

I can't wait for my little one to get bigger. I just want her to be able to crawl and find things for herself.

[Couponclipper003]

Oh sweetie....you are so NOT alone! It is a lot of work to take care of kids..give them all of your attention and your 110%! (Some) men come home like nothing and don't realize what it takes to keep a child in good spirits! You are an awesome mom so please don't doubt yourself...EVERYONE needs a break! Hang in there... life does get easier even though it doesn't seem like it right now!

[jessygirl17]

I am in the same boat, and have been for 13 years. For me, the resentment has not gone away. My husband is a good guy, but doesn't have a clue. He is rarely home (works out of town a lot, and when in town, works 80 hours). He has no idea what is going on with the kids, or who their teachers are. It's been this way since day one. People don't understand...they say, the guy has to work. I understand that, as you do, but what about ME? I am a stay at home mom, too, and it is very lonely. I have to worry about everything, the house, the kids (and my daughter has a lot of health problems), everything. He works hard, and has to worry about that, but then, just comes home and has to breathe, that's it. No worries here. I handle all our bills/finances, etc., and I have tried to talk to him, but he just says that I am better at it.

I'm glad that you posted this topic. I have other friends with children and either 1) they work outside the home, so yes, they are busy, but at least they have contact with other adults or, 2) their husbands are home in the morning to help get the kids off, and then are home for dinner. A lot of people, family included, think it's easy, but it's not. It's lonely. I finally accepted the fact that I am on my own. The resentment comes from having to make all the decisions and deal with the kids on my own, and giving up all my dreams for a career. It would be hard to work full time with him never home, plus take care of a child who needs as much care as my 9 year old...she is a full time job in itself with dr.'s appts., therapy, etc.

It's hard, you are not alone. After reading your post, I feel like starting a support group!

[psujewels]

i am so happy i saw this post today. i am single, my daughters are 2 and 5 and s clingy and needy. my ex left when i was 3 months pregnant with 1st, came back and got me pregnant with 2nd and left when i was 5 months. well i am a nurse, i work, they go to daycare. it is hot, we have no air conditioning and i am so cranky. my parents decided to tell them we would go to the beach this weekend. they left today without us, and are coming home monday. there was no way i was riding in the backseat of the car between 2 car seats, so they said they would just take the oldest. then tey changed their mind so today at 10am they call to say they arrived safe, can they talk to the kids. they told them to ask me to drive them down?! i don't even think my beater car could make it there. i think both my parents together drive me as crazy as a husband or boyfriend. i did meet a guy in line at walmart though, he saves me his coupon inserts...might be true love.

[jbarber8]

I am not home alone (I work) and my husband helps out, but he is a triathlete in his spare time. Most of the time, I don't mind, but his hobby does take a lot of time. It seems like first is his work, then his workouts and naps always come next in line before me and the kids. Usually I don't mind - it is the price to pay for having a buff husband and I knew this when I married him.

Anywho... he agreed to watch the two kids so I could do a long shopping trip and enter the coupon contest on AFC. I told him in advance, "this is going to take 3 hours" and I told him, "I'm going to the Winter Garden Target." (25 minutes away).

When I got home, he came out into the garage, because he actually couldn't wait for me to get into the house so he could yell at me. "Where were You?" "Why were you gone so long?" "Why didn't you take the phone?" (I never do, it's never charged; we're not cell phone people.) He went on and on about how I'm unreasonable, etc. etc. (Keep in mind, this man rides his bike, runs, and swims 4 hours per day, 7 days a week, in addition to working.) Yet, I want to go shopping one extra time and I am attacked when I get home, before I even get in the door?

Turns out, one of the kids threw up when I was gone, and this was WAY MORE than he could handle! But he acted like I planned that for his shift!

He apologized the next morning and felt really guilty for treating me that way.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[CDmama]

I understand... my husband is in the army and he was gone when I had my 2 year old, and left this time 1 week after I had our fourth child. So I know all about raising children alone (he leaves for one year at a time). Obviously since we are military we dont have family around. If you do, then take advantage. We have been through three deployments (all for a year) and some of that time has been much harder than others. The difference was the support I had. My best advice is to try to get involved with a good church. It may take a little effort to find one you are comfortable in, but it is SO worth it. You can meet other SAHMs who are in the same boat, and a good church has stuff for the kids. It has made a world of difference for me. I can't stress enough how it will affect your life in a positive way, and your marriage as well.

[kallagreen]

jbarber8 I totally understand the whole go out shopping. I always wanted to run to the store...(there is always something that I need ) but he complains every time I go. And then when I am gone for 20 minutes... he's like where have you been!? He can't take care of the kids for nothing!

Recently he started to take our almost two year old DS fishing with him and he hates it. He wants to go by himself because then he can "fish". Well buddy welcome to LIFE. Thats what happened when we jumped in bed together and got on top of each other... that ended our life f doing things ALONE!

We went to my parents this past weekend... normally I go a lone with the kids except on Christmas but this time he came with and when I go I go out a lot. It gives me time to spend with my sisters and some time to myself... he had a fit every time I left.

I love my husband to death but he always wants to stay at home. And he doesn't understand that I don't. I ask him to do things with me all the time and he never wants to... so I guess he can't complain when I go out a lone.

I could go on and on...

[sar1]

The recent vents are reminding me of one of my biggest peeves about DH. When we visit his family, he winds up wrapped up in some project ALL DAY with his brother or dad and I am stuck to take care of DD alone. Which is like every other day since I'm a SAHM, but not really b/c we're in someone else's house, trying to work around whatever their plan for the day is, dealing with whatever noise they're creating with whatever their working on while I desperately try to get DD to nap in unfamiliar surroundings. And I'm usually also then responsible for entertaining my MIL, which just means I have to nicely listen to all of her advice and comments about how "I'm" raising DD. (All of the negative things are attributed to me. Everything good is me & DH, of course.) If the plan involves going out to dinner I have to make sure DD is ready and in a good mood at the time when DH finally re-appears from the basement or wherever and says "so are you ready?" I can't tell you how many family visits I've started with "don't abandon me for the entire day this time" before we get out of the car. The only way he remembers he's doing it is my nagging him about it. I hate when I feel like I'm forced to nag.