Mother Gives Up Rights To Adopted Daughter...

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Old 08-01-2008, 03:58 PM
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Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

This is a sad story...

The mom adopted from Russia and got two children. She kept the typical one but signed her daughter over to DSS because she could not deal with the child's attachment disorder (after several years). I know it must have been a hard decision but I feel like if you adopt a child then they are yours through thick and thin! How many parents have children with disabilities and take them to DSS and sign over their parental rights??? Shouldn't it be the same with adoption???

Hardships of International Adoption? A story about the possible difficulties of choosing to adopt overseas. - Adoption News

I'd love to hear everyone's views!!
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  #2  
Old 08-01-2008, 04:25 PM

RE: Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

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This is truly a sad sad story. I have mixed feelings on this. A part of me is saying ...adoption should be like giving birth, the child is yours forever. You cant decided you dont want it anymore.

But another part of me feels for this women. Who should have asked more questions. They ( doctors ) delete information ( celerbral Palyse) off her records. Had that diagnose been there "PAt" might not have chosen to adopt that lil girl. When a mental illness starts effecting a family as a while then outside treatment needs to be given. But it seems that this child IMHO should have been in extenisive treatment maybe even in a instution. Not because I think she is a bad child, but she would prolly excel in her life.

All in all it is sad and I feel for them all The little girl, Pat, the little boy, and Pats Partern.
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Old 08-01-2008, 04:49 PM

RE: Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

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I've actually known people who've given up their natural children, both around age 8.

One was a friend of mines gf who wound up having her ex's parents adopt her son, he as "a handful" to say the least, IMO largely because of neglect and being bounced around between caregivers his whole life. She sent the son to live there and when she got served with paperwork that they wanted child support she offered instead to have her parental rights terminated and had them adopt him formally. I have no idea if she ever saw him again, even though they only lived a few towns away. I have to say that I lost respect for her due to that and other things.

My ex-sister-in-law also gave up her daughter, though it was a slow process, a couple years. The daughter has mental health issues and apparently some medications she was on at age 5 caused severe reactions leading to some brain damage. When she started dating my ex-brother-in-law he couldn't stand her daughter and how hard it was to take care of her. By the time the girl was 8 they'd signed over all rights to the child and stopped seeing her completely. Prior to that the Mom had her institutionalized and would visit with her at her grandfather's apt every other weekend for the day, but never took her home, not sure if she ever saw her other siblings. Last I knew she'd been placed in a foster home that specializes in caring for high needs kids and the birth"mom" was whining that the foster mom was getting paid something like $3k a month for the girl and "I'd have kept her if they'd paid me that"

Bottom line, IMO, both these kids are better off not living with parents who cared so little about them that they were willing to give them up.

If a parent truly does not want a child odds are very good that the state should remove them from the home and place them somewhere where they are wanted. We certainly see enough horror stories about parents who don't bother walking into the nearest Child Welfare office and offer up their kids and instead beat them to death.
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Old 08-01-2008, 06:56 PM

RE: Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

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I do know that when we adopted our son (domestic adoption) during one of our hearing (prior to the finalization) the JUDGE wanted to know what would happen if down the road our son developed mental issues or behavioral problem, what would we do especially since our birthmother didnt know who the birthfather was and she had known mental illnesses. He told us he wanted to make sure that we understood this was a lifetime commitment. My husband and I told him that it wasnt nor would it ever be an issue. Both sides of our family there is mental illnesses, so if we did have a child of our own there possiblitlies would be there for our own birthchild to have issues. At that point I remember telling the judge that I may not have carried my son thru pregnancy but I DID CARRY HIM THRU MY HEART THROUGH OUT THE PREGNANCY AND THAT IS HOW MY SON WAS BORN THRU MY HEART. No matter what happens in my SON's life I would never give up on him for he his my SON born from my heart that is filled with love for him
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Old 08-01-2008, 07:13 PM

RE: Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

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When my girls are older and start moving out I fully intend to do foster care. I already have many "children of my heart" in my life, either through previous volunteer work or being 'adopted' by some of my kids friends.

I thanked your post as a small, small token of appreciation for loving your son so completely. I cannot regret the life I've lived, as it's led me to where I am today, and I love my kids and my life, but if I were in a different financial situation I'd most certainly have adopted by now. I grew up wanting to adopt an 8 year old boy, as I'd heard that's the most difficult age to find parents for a boy...younger is still "cute" and older are adopted by farmers and others who plan to 'put the kids to good use'. Ugh.
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Old 08-01-2008, 07:17 PM

RE: Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

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I've known a mom who received her daughter from a birthmom who gave her up at 4 yo. She was one of three children, but the only one given up because she needed care that the birthmom couldn't handle (Down's).

It sounds harsh but it was really best for the little girl, she is thriving now with her adopted mom.

Perhaps this will be best for all involved in the long run?
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Old 08-01-2008, 07:24 PM

RE: Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

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well heres my opinion. you give birth to a child. 5 years down the road you see a mental illness ect. would you give it up? prolly not. you adopt a child and the same thing happens and you just toss them to the side? its not right! when you give birth you dont ALWAYS know there is a problem. whats the diffrence if you find out later in life if you adopt.
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Old 08-02-2008, 06:20 AM

RE: Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

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Well morally, is it right to just give up on a child...I don't think so. If that child had attachment problems before, I shudder to think how bad it will be after this.

Legally, should we allow it? You bet...for all the reasons posted. It's much better to give the negligent parent an out so the child doesn't end up beaten or abused. Ideally these people would never make it through the adoption process, but someone always falls through the cracks.
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Old 08-02-2008, 07:01 AM

RE: Mother gives up rights to adopted daughter...

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Thanks for all of your replies! I do feel for Pat but it makes you wonder so much. Like did her partner support her idea to adopt? It doesn't seem so. I think both parents (whether you're married, in a partnership, or whatever) need to be committed. I think she was relieved that the child didn't have CP but in adoptions physical disabilities are the least you should have to worry about b/c there are so many things that you can't see that will develop as they get older.

My two oldest children are my DH's biological children and their mother has a history of mental illness as did her mother. Our 13 year old has severe behavior problems and is on Concerta and Seroquel--he's much better than he was when we first married but it used to break my heart when his birth mom would have visitation and bring him back early b/c she wanted to do something fun with his little brother (now 10). Even though Andrew has Asperger's at 3 and 4 he was more so quirky than anything and that's easier to see past than defiance. We put our foot down and told her if she wanted to exercise her visitation (it was very infrequent and unhealthy) that not only did she have to be consistent but she had to take both children and keep them both the designated amount of time. Now, she would do it the other way around if she had the choice, she prefers Alex over Andrew. She had offered to sign her parental rights over to get out of a lot of back child support but changed her mind, which I applaud her for honestly. I just can't ever see signing away rights to your child if its not for their well-being. I mean she's not the custodial parent and can't support them, etc. She made past bad decisions but I want her to mend the fences so the boys don't feel she didn't want them or have trouble in the future with relationships. She has actually thanked me on several occasions for treating the boys like my own and being their Mom (despite trying to have the judge tell the kids they couldn't call me mom, etc in the past). If she had signed away her rights when DH and her first divorced that would have made more since to me than wanting to do it over $$.

Now do I believe people should relinquish parental rights? Yes...when its a matter of I can't care for this child b/c I'm not emotionally or financially stable or I don't want this child they were an accident or things along those lines. I just think the "She has issues and its too hard" excuse is a cop out. I'm glad its an option though as you guys mention because imagine trying to form an attachment when its already hard for you to someone who doesn't really want you

I think the screening process should be much more difficult than it is to adopt--I give kudos to the judge who asked the tough question about the what if's!
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