[Veronica9206]

I just wanted to ask for some advice on how to explain to a five year old that times are a bit tough right now? As some of you might now, my family and I moved to Sacramento several months ago, my fiance is the only one working, I haven't found a job yet, and with only one income coming in, I had to apply for food stamps to make ends meet. With 4th of July here, she was really looking forward to getting fireworks, thing is I can't or have money to waste on fireworks, I feel sooo crappy cause I can't get her some this year. I felt horrible because a lot of our family is helping our local high school football team sell fireworks, so we stopped by the stand to say , and my daughter kept asking for some, but we just told her "not right now" I don't even know what I'm gonna tell her tonight when she sees and hears the fireworks. :'(

[crs]

I've been there. Is there a display going on near you to take her?

[indianadana]

Take her to a display. They are free. Do you have neighbors or family that might let her come watCh?? Also,, if you could swing a box of sparklers-that's probably enough to make her happy. We can't have them here this year because of the drought and they are canceling most of the displays. There are going to be lots of disappointed kids this year around here.

[joshmamabear]

If the fireworks display won't be too far from you and won't cost much to drive there, I suggest you bring her there. That's what we plan tonight and watch the free concert by the riverfront. Hopefully, it'll be cooler tonight.

Happy 4th ya'll

[Parrothead]

When I was laid off, I started a coin jar (I got a good deal on one that counted coins as you put them in). We drop spare change in there when we can (now that I'm back to work full time I drop all my change in there, I tell DD when my purse is getting too heavy and she gets out my ginormous change purse to add to the jar) and occasionally dollar bills.

Set an amount, explain to your daughter when it gets to X she can pick something fun you get to do (even if you set it at 5 dollars, explain you can make homemade pizzas and rent a redbox she picks). It'll give her something to look forward too and if you are adding here and there it won't be as noticeable as trying to come up with the money in one chunk.

We also gave DD chores she could do for change. Empty the dryer for mom, get a quarter type stuff (just entailed her dragging a basket back emptying the dryer into it and pushing it back down the hall.... thankfully I have a tall one on wheels!).

Even though she's only 5, don't brush her off. Kids know when things are rough and I made that mistake. For a while DD refused to ask for ANYTHING because she thought we were so bad off mom couldn't afford a stick of gum.

[deneisetorres]

Originally Posted by Parrothead

Even though she's only 5, don't brush her off. Kids know when things are rough and I made that mistake. For a while DD refused to ask for ANYTHING because she thought we were so bad off mom couldn't afford a stick of gum.

I absolutely agree! Don't try to hide your circumstances, but don't scare your kid either. If times are tough & money is tight, let them know. A simple "Mommy doesn't have enough money right now" should be sufficient for a 5 year old. Tailor your responses to the child's ability to understand.

[Veronica9206]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I was thinking of taking her to watch a firework show but unfortunately my fiance had to work today and tomorrow morning (2am -11am) so his schedule really stinks, we can't be out late because he needs to get some rest Luckily, since my SIL was in the same boat, (short on funds) she set up a pool at MIL's house, so that distracted her two boys and my DD, now they don't care about the fireworks but more about getting in the pool. Yay!!! I just felt like a bad parent cause I couldn't even afford some fireworks, I know its not a big deal for us adults, but I think lil kids look forward to them and its hard to have them understand that financially, we can't buy anything else but the real necessities, (food,shelter,clothes) at this time. Happy 4th of July everybody!!!

[Annie123109]

I think we are being too hard on ourselves as parents. My friend had to remind me that .. Our kids don't need fancy things or to receive everything in life (we sure didn't ). They won't remember most of this.. Definitely not "missing out". What they will remember is that they had a wonderful/fun childhood with parents that love them.

[sweety33]

don't feel like a bad parent u are taking care of all the important things, that is what matters...

[400000coupons]

You know, I worry about this, too. My DD is 4 and we've been financially strapped for most of her life. I grew up poor in a large family and never knew what it was like to get ANYTHING I wanted EVER. But, i still never thought of my family as poor.

Unlike my DH, who's family was equally poor, but smaller and could get things like video games, cable TV and bigger Christmas gifts just because they had 3 kids as opposed to our 12 kids.

He was VERY aware of how poor his family was and resented it and now always wants to spend money (when we can) on things like the Mall, Chuckie Cheese, Toys R Us and other expensive treats, while I know that (at least for now) my kids are almost happier going to the Thrift Store and getting a $1 toy!

My DD has started to ask for special things almost daily, like going to McDs, getting ice cream, going to the toy shop, and I refuse her the majority of the time just because she needs to know she can't have what she wants all the time. But my DH will outright tell her, for example, "We can't go bowling because it's too expensive and we don't have very much money" and, honestly, it really bugs me. I don't want her to worry about money or to go around telling other people that we don't have much money because: 1. It's not her job to worry and 2. I don't want her using that to make people feel sorry for her and give her things. You know?

One time my little brother, at the time about 9, was spending 2 weeks during the summer with me and I took him out and offered to get him something he wanted. When he kept picking out inexpensive things, I'd offer something more expensive (I made a lot more money then, with no kids, ) but he'd say, no, it's too much. And it killed me. I hated him seeing want something and just assuming he couldn't get it because of money.

My goal with my daughter is to know that we can have fun WITHOUT money and special times do not depend on the amount of money spent. I want to teach her value over price tag and that sometimes we don't take part in events, not because of costs, but because we have better ways of spending our time and resources (including money).

For example: We could have bought fireworks, but we chose not too because Friend/Relative X has some and our time would be more valuably spent saving the fireworks money and spend the time with them! Then, we can get ice cream from the truck AND see fireworks!

I also want her to see that we are not defined by our monetary value, but by our character and prudence.

All this to say, my response to my DD4 would be, "We aren't buying fireworks because XY has them and we get to visit them and then get ice cream, won't that be awesome?!"

Money is all about choice. I don't buy XYZ, not because I do not have the money (although, yes, sometimes I literally DON'T have the money) but because I choose to spend it elsewhere. I could pay a bill late and get that special thing, but my choice is to be responsible. Sometimes I do pay the bill late and do the special thing, but it's all about choice. And our kids have to learn that, too. Maybe not when they are 4 or 5, but everything we do and say now lays the foundation for those years. I think about it constantly.

[Annie123109]

Originally Posted by 400000coupons

You know, I worry about this, too. My DD is 4 and we've been financially strapped for most of her life. I grew up poor in a large family and never knew what it was like to get ANYTHING I wanted EVER. But, i still never thought of my family as poor.

Unlike my DH, who's family was equally poor, but smaller and could get things like video games, cable TV and bigger Christmas gifts just because they had 3 kids as opposed to our 12 kids.

He was VERY aware of how poor his family was and resented it and now always wants to spend money (when we can) on things like the Mall, Chuckie Cheese, Toys R Us and other expensive treats, while I know that (at least for now) my kids are almost happier going to the Thrift Store and getting a $1 toy!

My DD has started to ask for special things almost daily, like going to McDs, getting ice cream, going to the toy shop, and I refuse her the majority of the time just because she needs to know she can't have what she wants all the time. But my DH will outright tell her, for example, "We can't go bowling because it's too expensive and we don't have very much money" and, honestly, it really bugs me. I don't want her to worry about money or to go around telling other people that we don't have much money because: 1. It's not her job to worry and 2. I don't want her using that to make people feel sorry for her and give her things. You know?

One time my little brother, at the time about 9, was spending 2 weeks during the summer with me and I took him out and offered to get him something he wanted. When he kept picking out inexpensive things, I'd offer something more expensive (I made a lot more money then, with no kids, ) but he'd say, no, it's too much. And it killed me. I hated him seeing want something and just assuming he couldn't get it because of money.

My goal with my daughter is to know that we can have fun WITHOUT money and special times do not depend on the amount of money spent. I want to teach her value over price tag and that sometimes we don't take part in events, not because of costs, but because we have better ways of spending our time and resources (including money).

For example: We could have bought fireworks, but we chose not too because Friend/Relative X has some and our time would be more valuably spent saving the fireworks money and spend the time with them! Then, we can get ice cream from the truck AND see fireworks!

I also want her to see that we are not defined by our monetary value, but by our character and prudence.

All this to say, my response to my DD4 would be, "We aren't buying fireworks because XY has them and we get to visit them and then get ice cream, won't that be awesome?!"

Money is all about choice. I don't buy XYZ, not because I do not have the money (although, yes, sometimes I literally DON'T have the money) but because I choose to spend it elsewhere. I could pay a bill late and get that special thing, but my choice is to be responsible. Sometimes I do pay the bill late and do the special thing, but it's all about choice. And our kids have to learn that, too. Maybe not when they are 4 or 5, but everything we do and say now lays the foundation for those years. I think about it constantly.

Wonderfully said

[Rachael4978]

Wow 40x coupons (LOL), that was a really great post! Yep I was also poor growing up Mom worked 2 jobs and dad worked at Sears but I still had a good childhood. DH was also poor but they were brought up always spending money on the "finer things in life" while their water got cut off. I am hoping for a good balance with mine. Being a parent is so hard, but sooooooo good!

[Aradia_Silvermoon]

Looking back I know my family was poor but it never felt like it. We always had enough to eat, clothes on our backs, and gifts at the special times (birthdays and Christmas) We never got much anytime else but it made those special moments even more special. As a single mom now I struggle but I manage to save money so I can take DD (11) and do nice things. This year I am unemployed but I managed to save $5 and I took her to the fireworks tent and got her a kid's combo pack of stuff and 4 boxes of poppers. Right now she's sleeping after a long (free) day a the pool!

Just keep your chin up and I doubt your DD will remember that she didn't get fireworks this year. Kids remember the good times not the one year she didn't get a sparkler!

[Goddessoflubbock]

My parents never felt the least bit guilty about what they couldn't do for me, rather they expected me to appreciate what they could do, and I did.

It made me a strong, frugal person who appreciates what she does have. I think that's the best thing they EVER gave me.

Hopefully I've done the same for my kid's. It's far more important than fireworks (which are quite dangerous to boot) or the latest video game.

[faeryedark]

Originally Posted by Veronica9206

I just wanted to ask for some advice on how to explain to a five year old that times are a bit tough right now? As some of you might now, my family and I moved to Sacramento several months ago, my fiance is the only one working, I haven't found a job yet, and with only one income coming in, I had to apply for food stamps to make ends meet. With 4th of July here, she was really looking forward to getting fireworks, thing is I can't or have money to waste on fireworks, I feel sooo crappy cause I can't get her some this year. I felt horrible because a lot of our family is helping our local high school football team sell fireworks, so we stopped by the stand to say , and my daughter kept asking for some, but we just told her "not right now" I don't even know what I'm gonna tell her tonight when she sees and hears the fireworks. :'(

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it's good for a kid to hear "no", and you don't always have to explain.
I know, times are tough for us right now too. I just had to apply for FS and I just had to tel my 13 yr old "no" to fireworks too.
Told him some things are just more important. Not more important than him 9mind you) just more important than something you pay to burn up. It's about choices
What I DO do is I sometimes let the kids have some Amazon credit..we get from Swagbucks and different survey companies. They have items on the wishlist and every once in a while I'll go go 'hey, you did a great job (insert whatever) I have some AZ credit wanna see what you can get?
Just a thought

[Finaleia]

I'm not a parent yet, but I was lucky enough growing up to get many things I wanted. My dad made more than enough. I know they had some credit card debt at different points, but they always made sure we got most things we wanted. I remember growing up other kids making fun of me and getting jealous of things I had, but I never had that snooty attitude. I was always taught to appreciate what I had and to never take things for granted.

Fast forward to my first year of college, Fall 2009. My dad's business was suffering the effects of the economy and they began living paycheck to paycheck. They had to sell the vacation home. Things turned rather quickly for the worst. The following summer I ended up getting a part time job, mainly because I wanted to help out. My dad wasn't too thrilled about the idea of me working and going to school, but I made it work. I have been since. I don't think I've asked my parents for help with any of my food, gas, or other expenses in a couple of years! Granted, I drive a car they own (fully paid off) and they pay for my health insurance, cell phone bill and car insurance. But, I help as much as I can just by taking care of the rest.

There have been times when I've had more in my checking account than they did, and even times when he had to cash in some of my bonds because he needed the money... but you know what? In the end, it's taught me that I can have a happy life with or without money, even living paycheck to paycheck. I'm so thankful for what I have and the lessons I was taught as a child. Those who work hard, live! I know that I will instill that idea in my kids... never forget the power of a good work ethic. When you can't afford things, you move on and find an alternative. Time spent with family is so much more valuable than possessions.

[RobinWrob]

When my children were 5 and 8 my husband left us in late spring. I was working a fairly low paying job and going to college. Now I had the mortgage, utilities, food, medical everything financially on my shoulders. I tried to shield my children from our perilous financial situation. I found myself snapping at them for wasting anything, food, utilities etc. I was feeling like a horrible failure as a mother.

In September my children started talking about Halloween costumes, I knew I could not afford anything that frivolous. I sat my children down with my bills, paychecks and a calculator. I asked them a series of questions like how much is our electricity bill, water bill, house payment, gas and food. They each answer what they believed it costs, like my daughter knew the house was a lot an guessed $100/month.

I had them figure out how much money I made then our bills. They were shocked by how much everything costs. I told them if they could figure out how to save $40 of next months bills they could each have $20 for a costume. They shut off every light, did not waste a scrap of food, only put the truly dirty clothes in the hamper among other things. They both earned their costume money but decided they would rather have a pizza, save the remain money for bills and would were old costumes.

It was easier for me and better for my children having them help me and teaching them the realities of life. My kids are 22 and 25 and they figure out their income and make sure their bills are under that amount to have some money to save. HTH

[Aradia_Silvermoon]

Originally Posted by RobinWrob

When my children were 5 and 8 my husband left us in late spring. I was working a fairly low paying job and going to college. Now I had the mortgage, utilities, food, medical everything financially on my shoulders. I tried to shield my children from our perilous financial situation. I found myself snapping at them for wasting anything, food, utilities etc. I was feeling like a horrible failure as a mother.

In September my children started talking about Halloween costumes, I knew I could not afford anything that frivolous. I sat my children down with my bills, paychecks and a calculator. I asked them a series of questions like how much is our electricity bill, water bill, house payment, gas and food. They each answer what they believed it costs, like my daughter knew the house was a lot an guessed $100/month.

I had them figure out how much money I made then our bills. They were shocked by how much everything costs. I told them if they could figure out how to save $40 of next months bills they could each have $20 for a costume. They shut off every light, did not waste a scrap of food, only put the truly dirty clothes in the hamper among other things. They both earned their costume money but decided they would rather have a pizza, save the remain money for bills and would were old costumes.

It was easier for me and better for my children having them help me and teaching them the realities of life. My kids are 22 and 25 and they figure out their income and make sure their bills are under that amount to have some money to save. HTH

I did something similar with DD a few years ago when things got real bad and she was whining about something trivial I couldn't afford. I sat her down, showed her the bills, and my paycheck stub. Together we figured out the month's budget and I'll never forget how big her eyes got when she saw the final tally and how close it was to what I made. She complains now and again but for the most part her attitude has been less about wants and more about needs. Because during all this I told her no matter how bad things got she would ALWAYS have enough food and her needs would be met (clothes, school supplies etc).

She still has no idea that there were times when she ate and I didn't because there wasn't enough. Of that I sacrificed something I needed just so she could have what she needed. Nowadays instead of asking "Can I have this?" she asks "Is this on sale? Do you have a coupon?" because she knows she has a better chance if it's cheaper! I also make DD earn her allowance by doing chores and we set up a rate of $0.25 per chore so she can learn the value of a dollar and I really think it is working.

[nwfrugalista]

Thanks to you OP for posting and for all the PPs who responded, I can very much relate to this situation and I am so impressed by how thoughtful everyone has been in teaching their children the value of money (and that not everything we value can be bought with it!)

About three years ago my (now ex)DH left and our financial situation (which had been VERY comfortable, not rich by any means but we took vacations, we had a home in a nice suburb with good schools...) changed dramatically. Because of the timing of our divorce, we had to sell our home at a very large loss and the kids and I moved cross-country to be closer to family (My ex is a reservist and was deployed overseas). My DS has special needs and his therapy needs that run thousands of dollars per month. Our financial cushion was largely consumed, and our monthly income was diminished by more than two thirds.

For my then 8 year old DD, this was very unsettling because she was accustomed to receiving her wish lists at the holidays, shopping trips usually meant she would be allowed to choose something, etc. She quickly realized that our situation had changed (moving into an apartment made an impression on her--losing her yard, smaller rooms, we got rid of lots of stuff), but she still asked for things.

I had to sit her down and explain that because I did not have as much money as we used to, that I simply could not afford things that were wants and not needs. I explained that lots of families are in this same boat due to job loss and the economic situation, and that one of the lessons that our family is learning during this time is how to stretch our money. When we shop I have a list of what we need and that is what we are at the store to get. Discretionary purchases are at an absolute minimum.

Fortunately, because I coupon, I am still able to manage little treats for the kids to reward them (gum/candy thanks to drug store freebies and clearanced toys ) and we shop only the clearance racks at clothing stores and then stack coupons on top of that! When I have a free redbox code the kids happily pick a movie, and we have a family movie night with cheap popcorn on the sofa instead of spending $40 at a theater.

I think it is interesting when I hear someone relate a story of their childhood and they say something like, 'I didn't feel like we were poor' (but that they realized it later looking back). What I take from that is that their most basic needs (food, shelter and love) were met and that their household was happy despite not having a lot of money--to me, this is the best kind of childhood to have, because the child was raised knowing what their true needs are, they are appreciative of even the most simple gifts, and can find happiness in the company of loved ones without a lot of unnecessary fluff.

[Katticus]

I knew we were poor when I was growing up but my mom always made sure that we got what we needed. No one ever made fun of me for it or anything. I think most were afraid of my sister because of her mouth .