[deneisetorres]

My sister is getting divorced from her husband of 28 years. Back in January, he told her that he had not loved her for more than 10 years, but had stayed because of her medical issues. She has MS and it is no longer being controlled by her medication very well. She is unable to live alone at this point. Now he has finally decided that he needs to be happy regardless & basically kicked her out of their house. She was completely blind-sided by this as she states that they rarely ever fought & he had made no mention of anything being wrong in their relationship. In reality, while no one in our family really liked him a lot, we were all surprised by it too. He had gained our respect by the way he had always taken care of her.

Anyway, she went to stay with our Dad temporarily, but the long term plan is for her to come live with me. She has been living at Dad's now for over 4 months and I am beginning to get more than a little frustrated with her. Dad is 74 and while he & my Step-Mom are in really good health for their age, they are not really capable of taking care of her. Unfortunately, my car won't make the 4 hour drive to go get her and she keeps making excuses for not coming. Not only that, but she keeps not doing much of anything to help herself with the Divorce.

She keeps telling me how she thinks things work, but her ideas have no basis in fact & she makes no effort to check things for herself. Such as this, she & her hubby have lived in Florida for many years. (Dad lives in Ga.) I also live in Florida, but about 2 hours away from where she lived. She kept saying that in order to file for the divorce, she would have to move back to the county where they were living at the time. I didn't think that this sounded right, but she assured me that she had spoken to a friend of hers who is a retired Lawyer & he had told her this. She also said that no lawyer would talk to her about it or take payments over the phone. She thinks that she needs to physically go to a Lawyers office in that county in Florida in order to hire one. Eventually, because she had not yet hired a lawyer, (and because I didn't believe her) I called around and found that she was wrong on both counts. I found several lawyers that will do free phone consultations & can e-mail, mail or fax her any documents that are needed, as well as take a debit card for any payment required. The one thing that she was sort of right about is that the Lawyer needs to be practicing in that county in Florida in order to file the divorce since that is the last place that they were living as man & wife. So, I went ahead, made an appointment for her & had the lawyer call her for a phone consultation. Then I called her & told her when it was scheduled to take place. Thankfully, she didn't get upset with me for making plans without her approval. Also, thankfully, when he called, she hired him.

Aaaaaaagh! I am trying to be patient with her because, having been through a nasty divorce myself, I know how depressed & helpless you can feel. But, come on Sis! It has been almost 5 months since he put your butt on a bus & sent you to Dad's. I'm thinking it is time to get moving with the next steps, whatever they are! If you don't want to come live with me, fine. What do you want to do? Be realistic, and let's find out how to make it work. I'm willing to help or to stay completely out of it, if that's what you want, but I can't make these decisions for you.

End rant! (For now ) Thanks!

[nightshopper]

Yikes! It sounds like she is still shell shocked from getting the boot, and needs someone to hold her hand and help her through the process.

[deneisetorres]

Originally Posted by nightshopper

Yikes! It sounds like she is still shell shocked from getting the boot, and needs someone to hold her hand and help her through the process.

She is and I totally get that. And another part is that her husband was the primary decision maker in their relationship for so long that she doesn't trust herself as much as she should.

However, another part of it is her complete unwillingness to let go of an idea once she gets it in her mind. No matter where she gets the idea, or how wrong it is, you have to go to great lengths to get her to believe anything other than whatever she hears initially. (But... maybe that's just the Sister in me that sees her that way. Because I could never be a stubborn about anything, No sirree, not me! )

[Vegas1]

I agree it is a shell shock reaction. You're being a good sis. Just keep up the patience. Sometimes in order for her to gain the confidence she needs to get thru this, it becomes very hard. From past experience with myself and family members who have either gone through a divorce after many years of marriage (especially when surprised with it) or dealing with life after losing their significant other to death. They lose the partner who always made life decisions with them. I know it sounds lame! She will come around just be persistant and keep giving her guidance. Hopefully you and your sister will get out of it what my sister and myself have. A beautiful sister, best friend relationship. She will one day acknowledge everything you are trying to do for her and probably admit that she was in a fog and could not think for herself, but was still trying to do it on her own. Good luck. The best to both of you!

[SLance68]

I would bet she believes that her DH will call and want her back which is why she has done nothing. He wants a divorce HE needs to file and then he can pay for her attorney. Don't let her file let him do it and pay for both sides. She really needs to move back in their home and if he wants her to go he needs to leave. She is also eligible for spousal support since they have been married over 15 years at the time of the divorce - the 15 years is a FL thing they didn't have to be living in FL the entire time.

[deneisetorres]

Originally Posted by SLance68

I would bet she believes that her DH will call and want her back which is why she has done nothing. He wants a divorce HE needs to file and then he can pay for her attorney. Don't let her file let him do it and pay for both sides. She really needs to move back in their home and if he wants her to go he needs to leave. She is also eligible for spousal support since they have been married over 15 years at the time of the divorce - the 15 years is a FL thing they didn't have to be living in FL the entire time.

I think that she secretly wants him to do that as well. While (I think) she knows in her head that it would be a mistake, her heart hasn't caught up to that yet.

However, she can't move back into the house. It's complicated, but they actually filed bankruptcy on it several years ago & never signed the paperwork with the bank reaffirming the mortgage. Since they never missed a payment on it, the bank couldn't foreclose, but when they split, he moved in with her "best friend" and let the house revert back to the bank.

Yes, she is suing for spousal support, and for him to pay all of the court costs & Lawyers fees. But, she hired a lawyer & will be filing first. If she waits until he files, he won't. Not for at least a year, because after a year, a good lawyer & a sympathetic Judge who doesn't have all the facts could possibly grant an uncontested divorce based on the fact that she "abandoned" him. Even though he gave her no choice & took advantage of her shock to get her on the bus, she technically IS the one that left the State.

[hrhmom]

I can't give you any help with the legal relationship parts...but as far as getting her, you can rent a car for a day for not much money through hotwire or priceline. Sometimes they have small trucks available if you need the cargo space.

[deneisetorres]

Originally Posted by hrhmom

I can't give you any help with the legal relationship parts...but as far as getting her, you can rent a car for a day for not much money through hotwire or priceline. Sometimes they have small trucks available if you need the cargo space.

Thanks, but I have actually offered to do that. That's where part of my frustration comes from. She keeps putting me off with excuses. Some have been legit... she was in the hospital recently & wasn't up for a long car ride. But before that, it was more a case of not wanting to make a decision. Now, it looks like Dad is going to bring her down in 2 weeks, so we'll see.

[shelleyf]

I am sorry you and your sister are going through all of this. I will be praying for the right decisions to be made and also for her heart to heal. That is a very long time to be married. She will get through this with the Lord.

[deneisetorres]

Hurray! My sister finally came to the decision that she actually does want to move in with me as planned. We had a long talk over the weekend & she convinced DAD to bring her to me. They called earlier today when they left & should be here in a couple of hours!

I'm so excited and truthfully a little nervous. I'm hoping that we can make this work out well for both of us. Our personalities are so completely different that I know it is going to be a challenge for both of us. Wish us luck & keep us in your prayers.

BTW does anyone know anything about Social Security Disability? I'm curious to know if I could possibly be eligible for a stipend from SSD as her caregiver? She is still mentally capable of handling her own money, but she needs a good deal of physical assistance with day-to-day stuff like getting in/out of the tub, cooking, cleaning and other things that she can no longer do well for herself. I'm not looking for a handout or to take advantage of my Sister's disability, but if it's available, it would be a big help for us.