Significant Others And Household Chores

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Old 11-02-2010, 05:27 PM
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Significant Others and Household Chores

I've never claimed to be a cleaner around the house, though admittedly, I do clean a bit more now that I own a house, rather than rent an apartment. My husband is the same way -- messy.

Sooo anyways, I've taken out a lot of the garbage the last few weeks. So instead of continuing to take it out, I let it pile up, wanting to see if he would do it. There was a bag ready to go out, and a nearly full garbage can.

I got this text while at work [keep in mind -- on my 18 hour day. I'm not at all happy, and unfortunately, I'm sure my customers can sense I'm pretty pissy at the moment, though I'm trying not to take it out on them]:

"I absolutely need you to stop overtopping the gabage and take some out."

I responded with: "Sure. As long as you do too; I've taken out a lot of the garbage the last two weeks Love you."

Perhaps I was too passive aggressive there; but it just tumbled out of my... not mouth, fingers.

To which he responded with: "You say its me when it's your stuff always overflowing the garbage. Garlic bread, last night's dinner, diet coke box, survival kit debris, newspaper clipping mess, etc. I'm not being pissy, but its hardly ever me. I just need you to stop doing it, please."

So basically, if I clean everything, it's fine. If I don't do anything in hopes he might learn to clean, it's all my mess and garbage.

I don't know what to do. I work more hours than him and make twice the amount of money, even though he owns his own business and does cover half the bills (though I buy and pay for nearly everything else -- food, products I've started getting through coupon usage -- we NEVER run out of TP, bodywash, RAZORS, etc whereas we used to then would have to fly to Walgreens to get more that same day).

I quipped to him (over text) "Ok, chore list it is!" and he replied with "Sounds good."

What can I do? make up a list and give him most the chores? I'm tempted to say he's got 3/4 of the list, but of course that would cause more problems, not solve any wishful thinking...
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:32 PM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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If you saw my house you would not take MY advise, but first I'd like to say you are 50% in the right direction if he is excited about getting a chore list started. I'd sit down with him sometime soon and list the things that you and he would each personally LIKE to do. Then you are just left with the list of things neither one of you wants to do. I guess you could split those up or make it one job is always a certain person's job.
*My best word of advise (from experience) - If he doesn't do it 'your way', let it slide - don't complain and just be happy he is doing something - or, he'll never do it again!

GOOD LUCK!!
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:42 PM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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wow i am so impressed by the calm way you two speak with each other ..dh and i would def. not have "resolved" anything through those texts..it would have been like
me: YOU NEED TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE NOW
Dh: NO..you do it..
ME:OK ..it will just stay there
DH: FINE !
i know i strayed a bit off topic..but it is good to see a couple can still have a good convo over taking out the garbage
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:56 PM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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When my husband and I first got married we put two dry erase boards on the fridge, one for him, one for me. Some tasks alternated on a weekly basis (so one week he took out the garbage all week, the next week I did it, etc). Some things we held on to-- laundry was always his because of my work schedule, the bathroom was mine. The rule on dishes was if I cook, he washes and vice versa.

We've been married four years now and we don't have the lists anymore, but we do OK. We still have our moments and disagreements over getting things done, but we're getting there. Good luck!
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Old 11-02-2010, 06:20 PM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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I like the idea of the dry erase boards. My job makes it more hard to do regular stuff around the house. My first day of work (today) is an 18 hour work day. Not intense when it isn't travel season (I work onboard Amtrak trains), and then tomorrow I go to work, work the train to Grand Rapids, MI and layover night at a hotel, to work back to Chicago on the third day. This run is actually "new" to me, I was working something previous to this that was a killer -- I'd literally come home and sleep for several hours, awaken for a few then sleep again for the rest of the night.

I've been staying awake and have had more energy since I started this run.
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Old 11-02-2010, 06:31 PM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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You work longer hours = he gets more chores. It is ridiculous that MEN think women should be the cleaners/taking care of the house even though they have jobs as well. Why should you have to clean up his mess.. he is a big boy after all.
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Old 11-03-2010, 05:35 AM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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The way we have it set up is that we made a list of all chores that need to be done around the house (dishes, mopping, lawn, etc). Then we broke it down to things we each don't *mind* doing (I hate mowing the lawn for example, so he does that).

We have no set time for these things to be done through the week. Many times that means chores get done a little at a time or in a huge blitz on the weekend.

Part of our agreement is the following: No complaining about time frame and/or how a job gets done. If you want it done differently, or sooner, do it yourself.

I tend to be passive/agressive if he breaks said rule. Once, early in the arrangement, he complained about the collars on his shirt (I mean, made it seem like a personal failing of mine that his collars were folded wrong!) so his laundry somehow remained in the hamper all week while my clothes continued to be washed. We had a chat later and he got the point

Also, he makes more and works longer hours, so I do tend to do a larger share of the chores. That's fine with me as it is too hard to work it out 50/50.
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Old 11-03-2010, 06:02 AM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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I'm not much help on this one, because my hubby does NOTHING around the house. He won't even put his dishes in the sink. I get so incredibly angry with him, but I have stupidly just done things myself for 15 years and can't change him now. I wish you luck!
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Old 11-03-2010, 08:32 AM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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Quote:
Originally Posted by miralys View Post
Part of our agreement is the following: No complaining about time frame and/or how a job gets done. If you want it done differently, or sooner, do it yourself.
I have a love/hate relationship with this rule. On one hand, I want the dishes washed after dinner so the kitchen stays clean... on the other hand, if I cooked I don't want to have to wash them. I also don't want to be my husband's mother-- I have complained to him before that he shouldn't be playing video games if the dishes aren't washed, but I felt like a scolding mother.

It can be such a delicate balance!
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Old 11-03-2010, 08:51 AM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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Wow! There seems to be a lot of passive/aggressive behavior on both sides of the exchange. He examined the trash to see whose it was? WTH???

I'm no expert but I've found that the bottom line with most men I know is this: While they may not "automatically" do things like take out the trash, they are HAPPY to do for us women most anything we ask them to do...provided we ask in an appropriate way. This includes using the word "would" instead of "could." I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but my husband has confirmed it makes all the difference in the world.

Want good results? Say this:

"Would you please take out the trash?

Want to piss him off and build resentment? Say this:

"Could you please take out the trash?"

As a woman, you probably don't see much difference at all. Please take a moment to read this for an explanation of why "would" works and "could" might not.
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Old 11-03-2010, 09:00 AM

RE: Significant Others and Household Chores

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I would take all the jobs I like or don't mind doing and give him the rest. It's sad when you have to resort in a chore list between two adults. He is acting like a child. A relationship is supposed to take two people working together. Instead because it's your dish or your newspaper it's never his problem. Maybe you should then assign each of you a bathroom, put your names on your food and even have two seperate garbage cans. Maybe he can just be your roommate instead.

One thing I dis with Juan is I stopped doing his laundry. Even though he stil doesn't do it, it at least made him check the night before to make sure he had clothes.
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