[kristieboyd]

Long story as short as possible....my mother has been a drug addict since before I was born. She & my dad divorced when I was a baby,she remarried when I was 5, and divorced again when I was 12. At 13 I made the hard, but wonderful choice to go live with my father and step mother. It was probably the best thing I could have done at that point. My mom had been in & out of rehab, but it never stuck.

After that we had a strained relationship, usually with me making the effort only to get burned by her self-centered behavior and lack of care for anyone else. At 21 I cut her off entirely when I saw her treating my DD (then just a toddler) the way she'd treated me. I felt like DD already had 2 great g-mas (my step mom & her dad's mom) and she didn't need nor deserve to be jerked around and hurt the way my mom had done me.

It's been 9 years since then and we have not spoken once, except for the horribly ugly confrontation she created at my grandfather's funeral 3 years ago (her dad) that resulted in her being escorted out by my uncles & cousins.

Apparently she has now "seen the light" and is trying to get her act together. She left her horrible, abusive, controlling husband and moved back to her hometown...only about 2 hours from me. She's been trying to get in touch with me via my younger brother for about 9 months. She sent my family presents at Christmas time and has sent me a few letters and e-mails. I've responded, but they've been very short and to the point. Basically, glad you're doing this for yourself...not really sure what else to say though, it's really akward for me.

I've gotten to the point where I am comfortable and healthy without her in my life. DH keeps telling me I need to forgive, but I'm not sure if I can or should do it.....at this point I still don't trust or beleive that she's changed her ways. And honestly, DH has no idea everything that she subjected me to and the things I had to endure while in her 'care'. The things he knows are merely the tip of the iceburg. When I met him I'd long since ended up relationship with her and did nor feel like reliving the past and filling him in on the details. I feel like I've finally healed....why reopen old wounds or subject my children to them?

Well, she e-mailed me today. It's her 1 year anniversary sober and she wants me to call. Honestly, I really, really don't want to. I don't know what to say....I don't even know if I can be nice. As childish and selfish as it may sound, I hate that I'm even in this situation. Honestly, I think I liked it better the way that it was.

Any advise or suggestions? If can be harsh and honest if that's what you think I need.....

[mrsanderton2205]

part of getting sober in aa is getting forgiveness from people whom you have hurt etc. she might need your support and i understand you not wanting to give it i have had a strange relationship with my own mother but once i had a child we now can talk and tolerate each other i will always love my mother but i will never be like my mother your husband is only trying to help maybe talking to him will help you in someways all in all the choice is yours maybe you should see what she has to say and if you don't like it you dont have to keep in touch with her! jmo i hope this helps

[lhart24]

I think you are being honest and have been through a lot. However, in the end do you REALLY want the relationship again... Yes or No... If no.. be done with it..

If yes.. take steps to make sure you protect yourself and your family. I wouldnt let your kids around her till you are sure she isnt up to her old "habits"... Set boundaries and let her know how you feel. If she is sincere, she will know she screwed up and that you have had a rough time. Maybe respond to an email and explain some of your feelings and that you are still dealing with it etc... That for your own well being you would like to take things slow... Maybe at first just chatting through email... then maybe on the phone.. lunch date one day.. etc... If she is sincere she will respect that and take what she can get...

I wish you the best of luck!!

[Amidala081499]

Kristie...

I may not have gone through what you did, with the drugs, but I have been through alot in my childhood. My father was extremely abusive, both physically and mentally. He has Agent Orange from Vietnam and Post Tramatic Stree Disorder, PTSD. Well, my whole life he has been a tyrant. When I was young, he used to lock me in my bedroom and take away my lightbulbs, only leaving me with a bcuket to do my business in. My brothers had ti the worse, for his was bound to his room for days. My sister was the baby, and by the time she was old enough to be disciplined, she became a rebel without a cause.

Well, now that I have graduated college, in grad school now and have a family of my own...i look back and forgive my father. i am not saying forgiveness is for everyone, but chances are. All of us make mistakes and regret what we have done. But, my advice to you, is take the chance. She is your Mom and she is trying to reach out to you. Perhaps she has come to the realization that she was wrong and she wants to make good.

People can change, but they have to want to change. Although, you may never forget what she did to you, you can always forgive. Ever here the saying...."forgiveness is devine." Well, it is, because God wants us to forgive. It makes us feel better and then we dont have that feeling..."well, if."

Please give your Mom a chance, she might just have changed. If not, you can always walk away again. But, I can sense from your writing this, that you really want your Mom in your life, because you cared enough to ask for advice.

I love ya girl and if you need anything, please email me. I can help you through this.

Hugs and Give Mom a call!!!

[dontbreakme]

Personally I feel if you are really really feeling you don't want to, then you shouldn't. You don't have to do something just because someone else wants you to. Your feelings on this need to come first and if your feeling its not something you want at this time then you have every right to keep the door closed. I think your husband is right, in that you need to forgive, but that doesn't mean you need to let her back in your life. Or have any contact at all. And you'll forgive her when the time is right and your heart is ready. I think when you forgive something for things they've done to you like that it doesn't have to be something you say to their face, in a letter etc. It just has to be something you kinda tie to a balloon and let go of in your head and heart. If that makes any sense.

My family is pretty messed up too and though I speak and see my mother a few times a week and speak to my grandmother every single day, there are major limits to how much they know about my life. If I ever had a child, I wouldn't allow them to be near it. It wouldn't matter how much it hurt them, because I wouldn't be doing it for that. I'd be doing it to protect my child.

You have to do whats right for YOU. I really wouldn't put myself into a position of any contact if I wasn't ready. It doesn't seem like you are. You have a lot of things to be happy and excited about in your life right now with the new little one on the way and that job possibility. Focus on that, and your family. When your heart is ready to forgive you will. But remember, that doesn't mean you have to allow her back into your life.

Just my two cents.

Jenn

P.S. -

[linz152]

Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about you. It doesn't change or diminish what that person did to you. I think it's simply letting go of the emotional charge (or anger) about the situation. I don't know if anyone can tell you the right thing to do in this situation. Like Lhart said, do you want a relationship with her? If no, then perhaps a to-the-point (not hurtful if possible but honest) letter is the way to communicate that to her.

If you do want a relationship with her, then I always think baby steps are the way to go. Especially in dealing with a recovering drug addict/alchoholic. I think it can be so good in these situations to outline your expectations (something like "you've hurt me in the past and so I'm slow to trust you again. For that reason I'd like to have contact with you but it's going to have to be when I'm ready. I'm working on it and I'd like some space from you until I'm ready to communicate with you again." or whatever is the truth for you). Also as part of outlining your expectations let her know that her previous treatment of your dd was unacceptable and if that happens once more, you will not continue trying to work on a relationship with her. Lay it all out as clearly as possible.

Like MrsAnderton said, perhaps part of her recovery program is to reach out to those who she hurt. But her reaching out doesn't obligate you to take it. I do think we owe each other the truth though. And if the truth for you is that you want nothing to do with her. I think she needs to know that. That will not necessarily be easy but it's your right to protect yourself and your family from someone you perceive to be "toxic".

Good luck with whatever you decide. I have a fair amount of experience in dealing with people with addictions so PM me if you need help or you just want to vent.


Linz

[sherilynne]

You just described my sister to a T...

I think that you have such a hard choice to make. I am so sorry that you are faced with such. I am sending you this

I think you need to do what your heart and head lead you to. I am not sure that seeing and talking to her is a benefit to you. She may need forgiveness but forgiving her and having a mother/ daughter relationship are two totally different things. She may have changed for good Time will tell. I would be careful to not put yourself in a situation that could hurt you even more...

Please take it slow and easy... I will be praying for you...

[joshmamabear]

first, your story truly touched me Kristie. I feel your pain and I cannot even imagine what you went through in your formative years. It must have been a traumatic childhood for you. With what you've been through, it takes baby steps to forgive. Although we all know forgiveness benefits more the one who gives it than the receiver but it is a process and takes a lot of time, not an overnight kind of thing. I don't blame you for being skeptical, it is perfectly understandable in your case. I know that one day, if your mom stays sober and is truly sorry, you will find it in your heart to forgive. I pray, for her sake, she does stay away from drugs. Take your sweet time, hun and don't get pressured if you can't forgive now. It doesn't make you a bad person, just one in touch with her inner self and protective of it. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[LACECOUPONS]

I would call her and get to know her.I was 14 when i went to live with my birth mother,i use to vist her durung the summer.When i was 14 she decided to kept me i was mad mainly at my other mom for letting her kept me.I live there 4 years and she died,I was happy i live with her,I got to really get close to her.

[kristieboyd]

Thanks, ladies, for all of the kind words, hugs, and support. DS asked me if I had a booboo when he saw me crying from reading all of your responses. They have all really touched me. I knew I would get support from my buddies here!

Part of my skepticism, I think, is because we've done this recovery thing at least 2 previous times. Rehab, NA meetings, Al-Anon, private counseling, followed by her meeting another man and deciding that she isn't really sick at all and NA is nothing but a bunch of brainwashing.

I don't think I can handle a phone call at this point....just don't think I have it in me. But, ya know what, I see the old, co-dependent, mothering-my-mother, me starting to come out, and I don't like it at all. While I really don't want to call...would much rather just shoot back an e-mail at this point, I find myself putting myself back in control of her recovery. I can't help but wonder, if I don't call will it cause her to relapse? Then it will be my fault...yada yada yada. Grrr....I just don't like the person I become around her.

[lhart24]

Since you have done this before.. She has to understand that you are just not going to jump out and starting going to mother daughter events.. She has a long road to recovery and should understand you also have a long road... Just be honest but try not to be hateful (not saying you are..but it will only add more fuel to the fire)...If you dont think you can do it on the phone, do an email .. It is a compromise and you are still making a step to meet in the middle.. Just pace yourself..

And tell your lil guy to give you a big hug

[w1df10wr]

Kristie, keep being honest about how you feel. Like others have said, take baby steps if you want to have a relantionship.

I don't see anything wrong with sending her an email instead of calling. Maybe you could find a free online e card to send?

[kristieboyd]

Originally Posted by lhart24

And tell your lil guy to give you a big hug

I got quite a few hugs and kisses! I even got "nose kisses" (Eskimo kisses) on my eyes! I love that guy!

[lhart24]

Have to teach him butterfly kisses... eyelashes kissing eyeslashes... instead of nose kisses...


Can be pretty tricky

[SoccerMama]

I commend you because you sound like you've made a good little life for yourself despite what you had to go through with your mom growing up.

If you don't feel like reconciling then don't. Just because you don't choose to have a relationship with her doesn't mean you are harboring any resentment. Maybe you could tell her something like that but if she is going to interfere in your family life then I think you are perfectly right in keeping your distance.

[Chief Family Officer]

I am so very sorry for what you have gone through, and am thoroughly impressed at the wonderful life you have apparently made for yourself. I can't really advise you. I just wanted to say that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[careyberry]

Forgiveness doesn't not mean forgetting. You can personally forgive her but you are still obligated to protect your family. If there were any sexual abusive situations I would say no more contact for the safety of your chiildren. If not, then you may allow her to come to a special event, like a birthday party or something where there is a beginning and ending time.

I understand your frustratiion of being burned and putting your family in front of a woman who has really screwed up her life. BUT, remember your children are watching and listening. They may ask similar questions when they get older.

You are a very strong woman with a very loving family. You can do this!

[kimmyann123]

i really know where you are coming from,when the time is right,you ll know what to do and we will all be here for you.....

[mintman72]

I personally don't see the need for you to subject yourself to something that you don't need to. If your life is better and stronger without her in it, then why would you jeopardize that by allowing her back in?

Then again, I've never understood the need to try and remain cordial with relatives that you normally would never associate with. The are two things good that came from your mother: 1) you, and 2) you had first hand experience of how not to treat your children, and they will have a significantly better life for it.

With that said, feel free to forgive, but that doesn't mean you need to forget. You can let the pain she caused you go, but you don't have to put yourself in a position where she can hurt you again.

[Shanda]

Originally Posted by kristieboyd

I can't help but wonder, if I don't call will it cause her to relapse? Then it will be my fault...yada yada yada.

First off a million .

Second, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE realize that you calling or not has NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, to do with her and if she will relapse. Drug addicts/alcoholics tend to constanty blame others for their problems making friends/family eventually think that its their fault. Her recovery should not and doesn't not depend on your phone call, it depends on if she TRULY wants to be sober. So, please don't beat yourself up as its HER decision to pick up the bottle NOT one you are making for her

[dontbreakme]

I totally agree with Shanda. If she is truly taking control of her life and her recovery then it is up to HER to follow through with it all, no matter what anyone else does or doesn't do. You can't make her relapse by your own actions. The only way she will relapse is by her own. If she chooses to. I know you're struggling with this but don't let yourself fall into anything you wouldn't walk head on into with a clear head. Ya know? I know all too well how easy it is to let emotions take over. The world, and your world for that matter don't revolve around her Kristie. You are a strong beautiful woman, wife and mother. You don't need to get sucked into her chaos. If she truly is on the road to recovery then that's wonderful and God be with her. But it doesn't mean you need to subject yourself to having her in your life right now when it seems to me you are not ready. We are all here for you.

[kristieboyd]

Originally Posted by Shanda

First off a million .

Second, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE realize that you calling or not has NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, to do with her and if she will relapse. Drug addicts/alcoholics tend to constanty blame others for their problems making friends/family eventually think that its their fault. Her recovery should not and doesn't not depend on your phone call, it depends on if she TRULY wants to be sober. So, please don't beat yourself up as its HER decision to pick up the bottle NOT one you are making for her

Oh, trust me, I totally KNOW that in my brain.....sometimes, though, it's had to believe it, KWIM?

Thanks!

[marbear]

You should be so proud of the well adjusted, successful adult you have become with what sounds like a rough childhood.

You don't owe your mom anything. You're pregnant and you don't need stress on you now. You might not be in the best position to be making emotional decisions now, either. How about you just say "maybe later" to her for these reasons. Make sure to tell her you're glad she's on the right track but your plate is just really full now and you don't know if you can handle it emotionally. She is older now, and frankly if she is at the place where she NEEDS to be to get back in your life, she should be willing to be patient and wait for that, realizing she is not "entitled" to a good relationship with you. I think if you tell her "maybe later, not now" and she throws a fit, it tells you right there she is not ready. If she agrees to wait until you are ready, too, then you have a fighting chance of having something positive with her. She may never be "mom" , but maybe you can have lunch with her or send her a Christmas card...whatever YOU feel is right. My dad was nothing like you described, but he was a very unpleasant parent. Funny b/c everyone just thought he was great. It wasn't until I was out of his home that I realized being a bad parent doesn't make you a bad PERSON, and then you can just accept somebody for what they are...maybe a funny person, a generous person, or even a good person...just a bad parent.

With difficult people the best thing you can do is just PRAY PRAY PRAY for guidance and peace in the situation. Every time I've had to deal with a person that boils my blood I have to pray a lot (and maybe for MONTHS) but eventually I will find that the anger subsides and I feel more "in control" and less powerless in the situation.

[Jamalfi]

I think you should put your feeling first and whats best for you and your family. If you are not ready for a phone call what about sending a card for her 1 year sober? You don't have to say much just congrats and keep upithe good work. Nothing mushy but, it's not that on the spot, don't know what to say, type of phone call. Just a thought. Good Luck to you.

[MaxxMe]

Kristie, you didn't turn out to be the well adjusted woman you are by making your Mom's mistakes your own. It sounds to me like you are wise enough to do exactly what is best for you and your family when push comes to shove!

Your Mom's need to reconnect does not have to cause you one lick of worry. Remember that it's HER need. If it causes you any angst, then you have your answer. If you don't want to talk with her on the phone or in person, then explain your feelings all out to her in an email, as honestly as possible. If she's truly on her lifelong road to recovery, she will totally understand and be more concerned for you and the damages she caused than for her own self, and not push the matter.

Just be true to yourself. If you don't want to have contact it does not make you a bad person in the least! Forgiving her also doesn't mean you have to see her again, you know, if that's how you choose to roll with this.