[mpayne]

I just got a letter from my bio-father, whom I haven't seen in 29 years (since I was 10 years old). He writes occasionally, but is really messed up from Vietnam, and prefers that we not see him as he is...

Anyway, I also have not seen any of his family since before he and my mom split up - again 29+ years. He sent me my two aunt's phone numbers last month, and told me that one had been battling cancer for 3 years or so. I couldn't find her address using her #, but I did find the other aunt's address and wrote to her a few weeks ago. I never called either of them, because I thought it would be too shocking, and intrusive, after all these years. They are all very nice people, from what I know... and I have cousins and uncles (their husbands) who I don't even know. This has always been a source of pain for me - not only losing my father, but also my extended family on that side.

Well, my aunt died on the 21st (not the one I wrote to). I am named after her, and though I didn't know her last name (she's remarried since I last saw her as a kid), I was able to get very lucky and find her obituary online. Reading it is like reading about myself - we had so much in common, down to our names. I feel horrible for not writing to her, or calling her in the past few weeks when I finally had a way to reach her after all this time - and now it is too late.

The memorial service is being held at an upscale restaurant on the shore - this Saturday, about 5 hours from where I live. I am seriously considering going... is this out of line??? I just want to be there to say goodbye... even though I can't even remember what she looked like, I was so young. I remember going to see her, but that image has faded over time.

I don't want to cause anyone any more pain, but I want to meet my family and I want to pay respects to the woman that I was named after. Is this wrong? It wouldn't be like a Springer episode or anything, I would be willing to sit quietly in the back and slip out before anyone even noticed me. What do you all think?

PS: My father won't be at the service. He has not seen his sisters in 28 years, also. He doesn't want anyone to see him in the state he is in, and lives on a mountain away from everyone and everything...

[MaxxMe]

You know what....if you feel the need to go that strongly then I think I would go. Did you get any type of response back from the aunt you contacted a few weeks ago?

I don't think you will cause them pain. Most of them are probably very curious about you. I know I would be! And I'd think they would appreciate the fact that you took time out of your life to pay honor to your aunt that passed away, even though you didn't know her. You did just find out about where she was and what happened to her afterall. They probably wanted to meet you during the past 29 years and just felt it wasn't their place to try and find you if you KWIM.

[lhart24]

You know you are going to say good bye.... last chance you get.. As long as you are respectful.. I dont see a problem with it at all.. Going by what you said.. you arent going to make a scene or anything like that.. you are just going to say good bye.. I think that is good.. expecially if it brings you some closure...


Chances are though they wont know who you are... and you can probably sneak in and sneak out..

sorry to hear of your loss

[Susuz]

I always think that if you have a strong feeling about something there is a reason...it may or may not be the reason you think, but something is urging you to go. If you can go and pay your respects, and maybe get some closure I think that would be a good thing. I am so sorry for your loss, the recent one of your aunt and the long term one of one side of your family. I hope it turns out like you wish.

[Linz]

I agree with the other posters. If you feel a strong desire to go I think you should go. Really I more wanted to offer you a . It's hard when we're seperated from family no matter what the circumstances.

Linz

[mrslukebrown]

i definitely agree with PP... if you're having such strong feelings/urges, then you really should go... if you don't then later on you might look back and kick yourself for not going!!! i hope everything works out! i am sorry for your loss <3

[Jamalfi]

I don't think there would be any scene at all. There is no need for one. Your being polite and paying respects. I would think if they have not seen you in 29+ years they would be very touched that you came and happy for that matter. If you were unsure of things you could always call your aunt that you wrote to and ask if it would be a problem. I don't see how it could be. This must be very hard for you and I think you should be very proud of yourself for wanting to go and pay your respects. Just think you might meet a lot of great people and it's always nice to have good people in your life.

[staviles]

I agree..the last thing you need is to regret not going and at least saying goodbye to someone who was out of your life for situations out of your control....closure is a great way to find strenght!! I am also very sorry about your loss and the fact that you have missed out on that side of your family!

[mpayne]

Thank you all so much. I usually wouldn't even think of going off on such short notice, for someone I don't even know at that. But this just *feels* like I need to do it, ya know? I'm trying to put aside my insecurities ("what if they don't like me?") and worries ("what if my kids need me that night??" - even though they will be at their dad's Sat. night) and just GO. It's very unlike me, so it's kinda hard.

Thanks for the thoughts and support.

[bellasmama]

Sounds to me like there was a reason you found out about her death in time to go to this memorial, perhaps you will even re-connect with others in your extended family. I say go and be hopeful!

[kandikid82]

I found this thread a little late, but I wanted to tell you what a brave person you are to deal with this in such a rational and kind way. I wish you all the luck in going to the funeral and I'll be praying for your strength in such a hard situation.

[mpayne]

bellasmama, I know! If that letter had come just two days later, I would have missed it. Actually, if it had come one day later - I wouldn't have had time to make the arrangements probably.

And the check... my father always sends a check when he writes - I think it's a guilt thing (he never paid child support when we were growing up). This one was for almost the same amount (within $20) of what a flight/hotel/car will cost me for the night.... kinda freaky, isn't it?

[amos311]

It all sounds like you are meant to be there. If you need/want to go, then go. It is about you saying goodbye and paying your respects.

[bellasmama]

It is freaky, but that's the way it works! And even things that seem sad on the surface can turn out to be good!

[kal123]

I think you know whats right. You want to go and pay your respects, and that is fine. I think you'll be glad you did.

[Susuz]

I will say to you what I tell my DD (who is 9) You know that little voice in the back of your mind that says "you will fail, you aren't smart enough, good enough, people don't like me" that's the devil and he is trying to make you feel unsure and insecure. Your kids will be fine, (Don't use that as a reason not to go) and you don't know how people are going to react but they cannot dislike someone they do not know. In life some people will judge us without knowing us and that is their problem not ours. Go, pay your respects, see what happens and stay open to contact with your family. You never know....
And by the way, all of us at AFC, We all like you!

Originally Posted by mpayne

Thank you all so much. I usually wouldn't even think of going off on such short notice, for someone I don't even know at that. But this just *feels* like I need to do it, ya know? I'm trying to put aside my insecurities ("what if they don't like me?") and worries ("what if my kids need me that night??" - even though they will be at their dad's Sat. night) and just GO. It's very unlike me, so it's kinda hard.

Thanks for the thoughts and support.

[tklein]

Family is Family no matter how much time we are away!!! Your heart will not stear you wrong. Go show your respect and feel good about it. It took my aunts death for me to even get to know that I had some cousins I had never even knew about and now we write back and forth all the time. You are family and you belong there

[Jamalfi]

You wrote "What if they don't like me?" I don't see that as even possible. You are always so nice, supportive and helpful to others here. I'm sure they will see the same. I just know it. Good Luck and let us know how everything went.

[ashambmom89]

I agree with everything thats been said, I hope you do go and I hope you can reconnect with your family. I can't imagine anyone not loving you, like jamalfi said you are alway so helpful and nice. I think when everything comes together the way it has like with the amount of money and all that it's meant to be.

[GrannyGodley]

mpayne - I didn't know you were sruggling with this (my own issues had me pretty busy recently), but I would agree with the others on this thread and agree that you should do this. Also, I see from another post you made that you did and I am so glad for you that you did go and that the outcome was positive.

Life has issues. People have issues. Issues create distance that sometimes is hard to overcome. That distance can be time, mileage, emotions. But often it takes a small step to bridge it. So glad you took that small step.