Anyone Have Seperation/divorce Advice?

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Old 02-19-2009, 05:33 PM
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Help Sign Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

I am not asking for myself.... I am asking for another AFC member. Everyone here at AFC is supportive and helpful. Hopefully, we can put our brains together and come up with some great advice for this member.


Here are her words:

Quote:
I am choosing to be incognito here. I am a supporting member, but not wanting to go public with my issues. A few of you know me and my problem.

So here goes... after 16 years my DH and I are separating. He has an addiction to narcotics that he's not willing to give up. We have been through counceling over 6 times and 10 years, various ppl, none able to help the situtation. He refuses to admit he has a problem. He goes to 2 dr's and several pharmacies. He even buys more when he runs out.

We have 2 children. 7 and 12.

I cant watch him hurt our family and himself anymore.

There is no chance of reconciliation. So I need your very best advice!! I have a lawyer who I will see on Monday. Help me. What do I need to know and do?

Thanks...
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  #2  
Old 02-19-2009, 05:36 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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Try these sites:

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divorce360.com | divorce advice, news, blogs and community
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:38 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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I wish her all the best with this situation. The one thing that stick out to me is ask for supervised visitation when the kids are with their father. Given his history of narcotics abuse I would hate to see the kids put in a situation where they can be harmed. Ask for full legal and physical custody as well.

I'm not sure what state we are talking about but if you are entitled to alimony make sure you ask for that as well.
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Old 02-19-2009, 05:41 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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Keep documentation of EVERYTHING!
Keep a close eye on your bank accounts (when I was going through my divorce a large sum of money vanished out of our joint account).
Your lawyer will want to know about all your assets/accounts/retirement/insurance/properties.
Don't sign or do anything without going through your lawyer.
Try to remember that you are doing what is best for you and your children.
Your lawyer will tell you everything you need to do.
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Old 02-19-2009, 08:48 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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I don't know just prayers that she gets the help she needs.
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Old 02-19-2009, 08:53 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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Old 02-19-2009, 08:54 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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I'm sending prayers. I know it's got to be tough. I would suggest documenting everything and anything.
Also, be sure to locate all your important papers and have them all together and with you.
Birth certificates, bank info. and statements, maybe a list of all bills you share with dh, and their balances. If you have home, have the mortgage info., etc.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 02-19-2009, 09:00 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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tough situation. I wish I could help but all I can give are prayers.
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Old 02-19-2009, 09:08 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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OM goodness, my thoughts and prayers are with you, this is never and easy thing to do even when you know it is for the best. Just a little history , I was married for 15 years to a raging alcoholic, some very bad mental abuse ect. We did not have kids yet,(thank goodness) but the situation was horrible he was sneaking alcohol every moment of every day!!!! then on top of it all he went and had an affair!!!! Saying that b/c of my nagging I drove him to it!!! I have been thru this whole horrible "addition" thing and would be willing to talk and listen and offer up any advice I may have. Things do get better, you have to hold your head up high, know that this is FOR THE BEST!!! and things WILL be OK
YOU AND YOU KIDS DESERVE TO BE HAPPY in a happy place...................
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Old 02-20-2009, 07:38 AM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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No advice other than what's already been said, but big (((((((((HUGS!!!)))))))))
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Old 02-20-2009, 07:42 AM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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...I have nothing to add because it has already been said.....
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Old 02-20-2009, 07:47 AM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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When I separated from Mr Mav for about 6 months ( also due to an addiction issue; thank God the separation snapped him back to reality and sobriety! ) I realized the importance of knowing what rights I had, and what right he had , in my state. Glad to hear she is seeing a lawyer. She needs to know the laws.

I didn't think there was any hope either. I was ready to cut the cord. I made it very clear to him that I was leaving him not because I didn't love him anymore, but I couldn't allow his addiction to drag me and our son down with him.

Leaving him was the best thing I could have ever done for him. We've been back together now for 5 years.

Know your rights, stand firm, and know you are doing the right thing for you and your children.

:hug:
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Old 02-20-2009, 07:57 AM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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My X took me off our checking acct w/o my knowledge. As far as the bank was concerned, it was his acct and he could do that. Beware!
Please have your lawyer put a financial freeze on DH. If he continues to spend and charge, you are also responsible for repayment unless there is a legal freeze. This will also mean that if he takes any money out of checking/savings acct, he will be responsible for paying you back half (if the freeze is effect).
Be prepared for it to cost twice as much as your lawyer quotes you. Legal fees and phone calls, and all legal papers cost $$$$ extra.
Do not involve your children in any way. Do not give them messages to deliver to DH or talk bad about DH around them. They take every thing personally.
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Old 02-20-2009, 08:10 AM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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I am so sorry this is happening, please stay strong. I am seperated, still going through the process. I will say my situation is much diffferent. My ex and I are working to do what is best for DD. I know this is a hard time for you right now, but you need to wake up every morning being a stronger person and to know that you are doing what is best for your kids. Here are some things that I asked my lawyer upfront:

Child Support (how is it figured up)
Health Insurance (some states require the husband to have this on the child)
Dental & Vision
Life Insurance
Child Care
After School Activities
College (if both parties agree, we both put $50 a month into savings for DD)
Visitation (especially due to the drug situation), overnight visits
Retirement (I used my ex retirement as leverage for other things)
Household items
Vehicles
Bills
Relocation to another state (some states require you to go back to court for approval)
Investments
As crazy as this may sound, my attorney put in our decree that the other person cannot bad mouth or harrass the other person.

If he has done some major spending, especially since the seperation, advise your attorney.

That's all I can think of for right now. If I think of something else, I will post. Just remember to keep your children out of everyting. They are at an age where your divorce may affect them emotionally. You may want to seek couseling for them and notify their school counselor and teachers in case of different behavior. Remember thier dad is very important to them and regardless of how bad he screws up, they still love him. I wish you the best and hope everything works out.
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Old 02-21-2009, 10:55 AM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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Old 02-21-2009, 11:14 AM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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great advise given so far! The only thing I can add is to be sure to have something put in the paperwork in regards to school related expenses and college. I didn't have that put into mine (didn't think about it as DD was only 4 and lawyer never mentioned it) and really regret it now. DD is 13 and ex thinks his child support covers EVERYTHING and he doesn't have to contribute to any of her activities, field trips, school expenses, etc. I can't even begin to think what college tuition will be like!

Hugs and prayers for you!
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Old 02-21-2009, 11:38 AM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. I hope that you're getting support throughout all this. I would suggest AlAnon or Nar-Anon (the narcotics anonymous version) if there are any in your area. I'd go to several if you can because each one is very different from the next and it's important to find one that works for you. Again, depending on where you live, there are separation and divorce groups and/or seminars that offer information and/or support. Near me, The Women's Center in Vienna VA offers several options. Maybe there is something similar near you? There are also groups for children as well.

Just please, make copies of EVERYTHING!!! Be sure that you have money in accounts that only you have access too. Check to see who's name is on the documents for the house, car, etc. At this point, you need to think about the future for yourself and your kids.

Too many women are so overwhelmed and exhausted emotionally and otherwise by the time they get to this point that they just want it done. They may not want "his" money or not feel up for a fight. PLEASE do not sacrifice your future and what's rightfully yours because of these or any other reasons. I don't mean to sound cold or mercenary here - I've just seen too many single moms and their kids struggling because they got the short end of the stick for whatever reason! I'm not talking about revenge or "taking him for everything he's worth" kind of behaviors, just making sure (as best as you can) that you and your children are financially secure.

I know when my parents divorced, my mom didn't get half of what she needed to take care of us and support a household. Not that my dad was evil, just mad and clueless with a better lawyer. Ask around and get the sharpest lawyer you can. It's worth it!

I hope that this time goes as smoothly as it can for your family and that you and your children are okay!
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Old 02-21-2009, 04:52 PM

RE: Anyone have seperation/divorce advice?

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I have no advice but I can keep you and your family in my prayers.
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