Military Wives.....I Have A Question.....??

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Old 08-08-2009, 07:36 AM
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Idea Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

Ok, so I have to say that being deployed is challenging on a marriage...and maybe even more so because our roles are reversed....(DH at home...me deployed..)
This is my first deployment, and my husband is a civilian.

So, I dont know if its truly harder on the one at home, or if men just like to whine....but I need some input from some of my own!!

So my question is....what is the one thing your husband (did, should do, or is doing) that seems to make the deployment easier on YOU, the one at home?

or even...

What is the one thing he should never do..cause it makes deployment SO much harder?

I think I should have asked this question a LONG time ago. I am eager to see the responses!

TIA!!!!
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Old 08-08-2009, 09:40 AM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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I was in the same spot your in twice when I deployed and my husband stayed home with the kiddos, he's a retired soldier. The first deployment was very challening. I thought my husband was losing his mind. He did come around for the second deployment.
I think the most important thing is to stay in contact as much as possible. I was fortunate because I had access to a phone and computer, although service could be sketchy at times. We emailed constantly, chatted via AKO instant messenger and talked at least once a day by phone. I made a point to call and talk to the kids each morning before they went to school.
To say who is the deployment harder is a tough question and my husband and I debated this many times. I absolutely hated being away from my kids and I always told him at least he was home with our kids every day and I couldn't be. I don't know it just is different when it's the Mom who is deployed. My kids always said it just wasn't a home without their Mom. I think Dad took a lot of short cuts but he did the best he could. I just don't think Men really get how much we do until we're gone and then their put to the test.
You both will get through it and be better for it but I know it's hard. If you have a strong marriage this deployment won't change that, just try and understand he's not equipped to handle things the same way we do. I always say that women are just better at handling stress than men.

Best of luck to you and hope your deployment flies by.

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Old 08-08-2009, 09:50 AM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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i dont think its easier if he was deployed but one thing i do know is that my hubby and i discussed this and he said what makes it difficult is the fact that he cant protect you he knows your life could be in danger and hes not there at all i guess its a man thing btw we went through 2 deployments
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Old 08-08-2009, 12:19 PM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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Originally Posted by LaLax2 View Post
i dont think its easier if he was deployed but one thing i do know is that my hubby and i discussed this and he said what makes it difficult is the fact that he cant protect you he knows your life could be in danger and hes not there at all i guess its a man thing btw we went through 2 deployments
Thats a good point...I certainly didnt think of that. I too often forget to look at things from his perspective, assuming he COULDNT have it worse than I do.....

Shame on me! Thanks so much!!
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Old 08-14-2009, 01:36 PM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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I think the hard part about deployment or any remote assignment is that each part of the couple/family shoulders much more responsibility than when everyone is together AND there's the resentment that can go along with that. All of a sudden the one left at home with the entire household chores is thinking that he/she is shouldering far more of their fair share without truly standing back to think of what the other partner is going through.

And of course the partner away from home has the desire to say "well, welcome to what my world used to be" when the one at home starts to whine about all the new chores they're now facing. The one deployed is going through their own (often endless) days of activity and feeling guilty about leaving the one at home with all the household & family "stuff". It's certainly not like you're vacationing in the Riveria. You're doing your job and you'd certainly do anything that you could do to make his life easier if you could. But you can't from where you are right now.

Perhaps you can both agree that you're in a situation that none of you can change and that whining/complaining/etc. is off limits in your e-mails and calls. Positive thoughts and cheerful e-mails/calls home (but certainly not forced fakiness) will help your time fly by. You'll be through it soon enough when your deployment ends and you'll both be much stronger people for it. He'll have an appreciation for everything you do to keep the household running smoothly and you'll have an appreciation of how much he supports you.


Hang in there! You'll be back home to your guy and your two pups in a few short months.
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Old 08-14-2009, 01:48 PM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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We just wrapped up a 12 month deployment. We have four kids and we live in the arctic, so dh repeatedly tells me I had it harder at home than he had it there. But thats just us. I have no doubt that both of us had extreme stress and responsibilities. It is hard at home to take on the role of both people. I can't even imagine being in a war zone. So both have it very hard.

The best things that helped me were trust and appreciation. DH trusted me to take care of the house, the kids, the finances, etc. He trusted that I wasn't cheating and that I wasn't anywhere I shouldn't be. He trusted my skills and my decision making. He also repeatedly throughout the deployment made sure I knew that. He didn't question everything I did - which helped immensely!! On the other end some spouses questioned EVERYTHING, and I could see the stressed that caused. They felt like the spouse was trying to babysit them from afar, and and they didn't feel trusted at all.

DH also made an effort to say thank you often. He always told me what a wonderful job I was doing and thanked me for doing it all. When I replaced a dead battery in his truck at forty below he sent me flowers. He saw what was hard and gave me thanks for it. I would also do the same for him.

Its a nightmare for both sides to survive but if you feel trusted and appreciated it makes life much easier. Pretty soon you'll be all done and you'll be back together again. Good luck with everything.
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Old 08-14-2009, 03:36 PM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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we just got done another 15 month deployment and currently my husband is at JRTC getting ready for his 4th deployment to Iraq in Dec (he got home in Nov). All I can say is do what you can to keep communication open and honest. Let him know that you appreciate all that he is doing and that you love him. That is really all I want from my husband.... I take care of his whole life back here and I know he couldn't do it without me!
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Old 08-15-2009, 06:38 AM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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Communicate. Honestly the only thing that kept me sane during our year long deployment was knowing at some point in the next 48 hours from whatever time it was, I'd be hearing from my husband. The kids could be at each other throats, the house a total wreck, but the knowledge that my soulmate would be calling/IM'ing soon made everything right in the world.
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Old 08-15-2009, 07:10 AM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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Wow, some good input here. I only did one employment with my husband, but it was probably the easiest deployment in the history of deployments. No kids, I went back to college so I was busy.

Still, I think the appreciation comment was great, and trust is important. One way to show trust is to assume that your husband will do a good job and not try too hard to make it easy for him. Both of you will be dealing with new emotions, some that you don't expect. Respect the fact that he is a capable adult and that your attempts to be helpful may be interpreted (in the midst of a stressful situation) as a lack of confidence in his abilities. But above all communicate; don't assume that he needs your help, but don't assume that he doesn't need your help either.

Also, make sure you get all your paperwork squared away. Power of Attorney, especially. Because something WILL go wrong, and there is no need to make it virtually impossible to fix.

Don't sweat the details. So what if your kids eat pizza for 3 days in a row? They'll be happy and fed.

Thanks for your service to our country. I appreciate what you and your family do on behalf of civilians like me.
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Old 08-15-2009, 07:15 AM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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Good advice from the PP's! DH and I had A LOT of problems during his first deployment, we were newly married with a new baby and frankly, I think I made it really rough on him, I was pretty resentful of being left alone (yes I do realize the selfishness there now). One of the things that really hit home for me was when I finally realized he wasn't just dealing with life and death and hardship everyday, but also worrying about how the baby and I were doing. It sounds simple, but the person left behind (especially if they have never been military) feels abandoned, even if they logically know that is not the case. Conversely, a lot of deployed people don't understand the difficulty of watching the news and praying with all your heart that your husband or wife makes it home. My DH's last deployment was during the really ugly time in Iraq when there were deaths daily and I could not tolerate the news to the point of absolute avoidance of tv. Blessedly my DH was returned to me, without knees , but alive!

What DH did that helped me the most was to keep in touch as much as he could, when he was (often) away from any base with a phone/computer he would write several times a day- and he only talked about being together again and things that we would do when he got home. Treasure every moment of communication! And like Madmurphy said, try to agree to never bring the day-to-day arguments and nonsense (and it really is-no matter how pertinent it seems at the time) out of those short times of communication, whether it is by phone, email, or letters! I truly believe that being a military spouse is one of the hardest jobs in the world, acknowledging that to him might make a lot of difference.

I wish you all the best. I don't know you, but believe it or not, seeing your name on this site everyday, I think of you and pray for you!
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Old 08-15-2009, 07:21 AM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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im not married or have kids but my bf got back about a year ago from a year deplyoment...It helped alot to hear from him. we spoke everyday multiple times a day. It was extremely hard but i can only imgaine if we were married or had kids how much harder it would be...i give major kudos to all the men and women who stand BEHIND the soliders! and of course also to the soliders!
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Old 08-15-2009, 08:20 AM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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The things my hubby did to make my life easier was complete things around the house that needed to be done. He also made sure the car was well maintained. He took a laptop so that he wouldn't have to wait around for a computer to become available and even then there is a time limit.

I think the deployment is equally hard on both people. It was hard on me because I became like a "single mom" almost for 6 months. I worry a lot so I was super worried about him. Nights were the hardest. After the kids were in bed and he wasn't there to talk to. It was hard on him being away from the kids and hard being away from him. It was also hard on him because of being in a danger zone.

I talked to my husband before he left about anything that was bothering me. While he was deployed I never bothered him with any bad news.

First deployment or third deployment, it never really gets easier. My hubby deployed the first time when our daughter (first child) was 5 weeks old and so he missed a lot. The second time he deployed our daughter was 3 weeks shy of her 2nd birthday and our son was 10 weeks old. First deployment with a new baby I was wondering how I would be able to do it and I knew I had to do it for my baby. Second deployment I was once again wondering how I could do it with a toddler and an infant but I did it.

Just know that while he is fighting for our freedom and you are proud of him for that, your hubby is proud of you for being able to do all that you do.

Sorry for the long rant.
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Old 08-15-2009, 09:05 AM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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WOW, I wasnt really sure what kinds of advice I would get, but this is fantastic!

You guys are truly a blessing. Ive done a lot of things in my life, but I have to say that being away from my family in this enviroment, is truly the hardest I will ever have to do. Not only do I physically work hard, I also mentally work hard. I really miss my support system, the one that makes my everyday job so much easier by just being him, my military wife!! He loves it when I call him that!!

I will never take advantage of another conversation. I thought I was being pretty supportive, but I think I can do even better job now.

Thank you SO much!!
Is it christmas yet??

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Old 01-02-2010, 02:47 PM

RE: Military Wives.....I have a question.....??

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When we went through our first deployment we were both so young and immature and he didn't understand what I was feeling being left at home. After he got back we really had to learn to communicate better. Before his second deployment he watched one of our good friends leave before him and he could see what it was like to be the one at home. He decided it was easier for him to be gone because he got into the "mindset" of deployment and his whole life was different and here I was at home with everything the same but this huge chunk of my life missing. He had never thought of it that way and the adjustment it takes to get used to doing everything alone. He also hated that he wasn't here to take care of me and everything that happened. We will be starting our third deployment soon and while I have no doubt that he has life the hardest (because lets be honest here, no one is shooting at me, ever) he also understands that I have a hard time sometimes too.
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